Sex And Pizza

If anyone has seen the Saturday Night Live “Bill Brasky” sketch from years ago when that show was good, then you have some idea about the group of old guys that came in last night. Loud and obnoxious is fairly normal for a Friday night, but these guys were the “I’m loud because I’m important! Pay attention to me!!” kind of people that just annoy the crap out of anyone within earshot. Finally, the loudest guy chimes in with “There’s no such thing as a bad blowjob! It’s like pizza! When it’s bad it’s still good, and when it’s good it’s great!” Well sir, it’s not always good, sometimes it’s messy, too sloppy, takes too long and just seems like they don’t really care if it’s done properly. It’s hard to find a good pizza place!

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It's Punk And Fun Time!

So, this girl walks up to me last night in the middle of a punk show and says “Do you have a towel? There’s a spill over there!” So I toss her a towel and she looks at me like I’m an idiot and says “Someone dropped a beer on the floor! That’s not going to help!” So I looked at her and say “If you think anything short of stopping the band, mopping the floor, cleaning everyone’s shoes and waiting for everything to dry will work on cleaning this mess, by all means, have at it!” This is also the same person that came up to me later and said “Are you aware that there is a bloody t-shirt in the women’s bathroom?” To which I stated “Since I don’t go into the women’s bathroom, no I don’t, but thanks for letting me know though. We’ll get it taken care of.” Just a little advice for this young lady and others out there, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the help, but you are at a punk show, have fun, that’s what punk shows are for.

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Creeping Death

“Everyone Poops” is a popular book to help potty train toddlers when it’s time to kick off the diaper and start wearing big kid underwear. I guess after last night I need to write a book called “Everyone Poops, Just Don’t Poop There Dumbass!” Yes, at first I thought it was just someone crop dusting the bar, being inconsiderate of the rest of us and farting up a storm. Then it got stronger, much stronger and the smell consumed the whole room. That’s when I knew, I had to investigate the bathroom. When I opened the door it was an overpowering stench that was almost mind numbing and as I looked around on the floor I saw bile from someone’s puke covering the whole area. Being curious, or stupid, I ventured into the bathroom stall and found the source of the gut wrenching smell. Yes folks, a puddle of shit, and right in front of the toilet no less. Apparently our mess maker suffered from a malady that shot liquid death out both ends at the same time and chose improperly on which end to put on the toilet. Everyone knows you don’t put your face where your ass goes when pulling off a double threat ejection, the shit goes in the hole and you clean up the puke or, if you have the time, you grab a receptacle to puke in while taking care of number two. At any rate, it was no picnic, but I got it cleaned up. I just couldn’t wash enough to get that smell out of my head, but the bathroom was useable in the end. The way it smelled in there, I’m just glad there wasn’t a dead body covered in all that mess.

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Two Things That Don't Go Good Together!

Hey, you got your meth on my video poker! No! You got your video poker on my meth! What happens when you put video poker together with a shameless tweaker so high he might never come down? Over an hour of pure viewing pleasure! This guy was so worked up he couldn’t contain himself and was so animated you couldn’t help watching in amazement at his antics. Throwing his arms up in the air, rubbing his face, standing up, sitting down, almost climbing the machine and spilling the contents of his bag all over the floor were just some of his moves. I have to say, anyone that is obviously high and still willing to go out in public just to gamble has a lot of guts or just doesn’t care who knows how much meth he’s using. After gambling for over an hour on several machines and not cashing out a ticket, I would have only one thing to say to this guy. Go get some help! I don’t even care which issue you address first, just go get some help before you hurt somebody or yourself, I think I pulled a muscle just watching!

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Lonely Hot Mess

It was a classic mellow night at the bar, steady but mellow. Everyone was having a good time and then, like it always does, shit hit the fan in the form of two cute girls and more drama than their friends wanted to deal with. It started when they came in and sat at a table full of guys just kicking back and enjoying themselves. That’s when I heard someone mutter “I hate stupid people!” Then I was surprised when one of the guys left the table to come and sit up at the bar. I asked him if I could get him something and he responded “No thanks, I just had to get away from those stupid girls, seriously, they’re hot but Fuck them!” I just laughed and went about my business thinking about how funny it was that even hot chicks scare guys off when they’re acting psycho. That’s when the yelling started and a glass got broken by one of the girls having a drama tantrum. I cleaned up the mess and proceeded to tell her and her friend to leave and not come back since they obviously couldn’t grasp the concept of acting like adults in a public place. I have to say, I have never witnessed four grown men more appreciative of me kicking out hot girls that wanted to talk to them. They hung out until closing and enjoyed themselves, drama free, for the rest of the night. It’s nice to see that I’m not the only one that gets sick of seeing people thinking that they can behave however they want without any consequence just because they think they’re special. Oh, they’re special alright, the kind of special that leaves you outside in the cold because you got kicked out of the bar kind of special.

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