Paranoid Much?

Some people have way too much time on their hands. For example, I noticed one of my customers staring intently at a book of matches, so out of curiosity I ask him if everything is ok. He looks at me and says “Do you think it’s a good idea to have matches with your bar’s name on them?” So, having to dig a little deeper into where he was going with this I said “Yes I do, we’ve been doing it for years, and it’s a good cheap way to get your name out there. Why? Do you think it’s a good idea?” I should have known better to end that statement with a question. He responded with something that had never crossed my mind and shouldn’t be a worry to anyone when he said “No I don’t. What if you get arrested and the cops find these matches in your pocket? They are going to know where you have been and they even have your address on them so they know right where to go to find out where you got drunk!” Now, I can’t speak for everyone, but getting arrested is not something I regularly worry about and besides, who cares if they know where you have been drinking if you do indeed get arrested? I think the police are going to have other worries on their hands if you are being handcuffed by them. The only concern the bar might have is if they had grossly over served someone and they were arrested for a DUII. That does not bode well with the local liquor agency, but then that is a whole other can of worms. My response to him was “Could you possibly be over thinking this? You are out to have a good time with your friends. Do you think your time could be better spent talking to them instead of focusing on this trivial issue that you have made up in your head, or possibly trying to talk to some girls?” He looked at me kind of confused and said “There are no girls in here to talk to!” After pointing out several groups of girls sitting in the bar he said “Oh, maybe I am over thinking this whole matchbook thing. I still think it’s a dumb idea though!” Yes, decades of giving away free matches have done nothing but cause us grief. Thank you so much for pinpointing the issue as we are obviously too daft to figure it out on our own. Oh wait, that’s right, there is no issue you paranoid freak.

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The Key To Happiness

There comes a time in everyone’s life where their resolve is tested to the core in a possible life changing moment of clarity that can re-direct their path to a higher state of being. This did not happen to me last night. Instead, I got to witness the pathetic aftermath of a grown woman in her fifties throw her keys at someone she was mad at, hitting one of my co-workers and a customer and then proceed to bawl her eyes out like a scorned thirteen year old girl. Actually, I have a thirteen year old girl that doesn’t behave that poorly, so my apologies to the thirteen year old female community at large for that last statement. But I digress. Alcohol is not for everyone, and in certain situations can make a perfectly rational person a complete monster depending on their state of mind. So, keeping this in mind, if you have been drinking and feel the need to throw your keys at someone, stop and think “Is this going to make me look like a psycho?” The answer will always be yes, it most certainly will.

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The Sophisticunt

“That guy over there with the scruffy beard seems nice, but I just don’t think he’s sophisticated enough for me.” So said the older poorly dressed stuck up weirdo sitting at the bar eating corn chips covered with microwave melted cheddar cheese drinking Diet Pepsi in my dive bar last night. Sorry to burst your bubble sweetheart, but you would be so lucky as to have a nice guy like that interested in you for even a little while. He is nice, polite, always pays for his own drinks and has a job. I have seen some of the “sophisticated” types that come in from time to time and the difference between them and this guy is that he will never talk down to you, make you feel beneath him or try to impress you with money and the important people that he knows. Trust me, you are better off holding out for the guy that will treat you like crap and kick you to the curb when he gets tired of you. It would be big of you to spare us normal folk the pain of being rejected by someone as important as yourself, so maybe you should go eat your trailer trash nachos somewhere more deserving of your presence, that is, if they let someone wearing a grease stained track suit in their establishment.

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Impotent Jerk

Why is it that some people just don’t get it? By the time you are in your fifties you should have at least a bit of self respect and half a clue on how to conduct yourself. Whether it’s in public or in life, this is something you should have learned through a few hard lessons and “character building” experiences along the way in your decades upon this planet earth. When you come into the bar at closing time with your “date” who happens to be wearing a red-wine stained blazer and a nose that WC Fields would be proud of, and start hitting on younger and hotter chicks than your Hawaiian shirt, cargo short wearing fat ass should even be talking too, you should recognize that you have a problem. Just go home, take care of business with your latest sugar mama (seriously, she should be checked for diabetes) and leave the rest of us alone, we are just trying to do our job and get home to relax. Some dead giveaway clues that you may not be wanted in the bar at closing time could be, but are not limited to, that nobody acknowledges your existence even though you are loud and obnoxious, when someone finally talks to you it is to tell you they are no longer serving and that they are closing and then when you keep hanging around you are repeatedly asked to leave because its closing time. If you can’t find a way to catch on to these simple hints there is no hope for you and you should just continue on being an obnoxious ass, because I’m sure that’s what will be happening. See you tomorrow jackass.

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The Skank-Tity Of Marriage

Well, its official, Creepy Old Married Guy season is now upon us. I had my first sighting last night and it wasn’t pretty. Two older guys came in, one with a wedding ring and the other with the obvious wedding ring indentation on his finger, looking for “Where the action is” in town, hitting on everything that moved in the bar. I have to say, the funniest part of the whole ordeal was the girl getting a drink at the bar noticing one of the guys about to say something to her and she turned and looked at him and said “I’m sure what you’re about to say to me is going to be hilarious and insightful!” and walked away before a sound could come out of his mouth. I actually laughed out loud at him. After one of them knocked over his beer, they must have figured out that it was a futile endeavor and split before the other one could finish his beer. I just never understood the whole “What happens in (insert any place you can go on a guys retreat and act like an ass trying to cheat on your significant other) stays in (blank)!“ I guess I’m just old fashioned, either that or I just don’t like getting STDs, bringing them home, giving them to my partner and ruining the life we’ve built together because I have to go out and poke some skank. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

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he could have been newly divorced...
but probably not

he could have been newly divorced...
but probably not

he could have been newly divorced...
but probably not

Were they from N.C.? If so, I think my girlfriend and I ran into them at another local dive on Thursday! BWAHAHAHAHA!

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