When the Apple Falls

When the apple fell on Newton’s head it inspired him to greatness, the law of gravity will forever be thought of, in its beginnings, as some guy in funny pants getting hit with an apple. Had I seen it with my own two eyes, I would have laughed until I made a wet spot in me nickers. I did, however get to see another kind of apple fall tonight, and it didn’t fall far from the tree, in fact, it may have been leaning against the trunk when all was said and done. This kid came in, a bit wobbly and cross eyed, and said “Hey, you know my mom Debbie!” As they said the name, the resemblance was unmistakable, that’s when all the bad memories associated with the aforementioned Debbie came rushing in from over the years, and the trademark crazy eye sent a shiver of bad bar memories running down my spine. I simply said “Yeah, I remember your mom.” They said “Can I put a drink on her tab?” I said “Nope, she isn’t allowed to have a tab here and I can’t serve you, Have a good night.” That’s when I got the disturbing thousand-yard stare, looking right through me, while at the same time trying to comprehend what had just taken place in the conversation not seconds before. So, I went about my business, helping other customers and trying to ignore the uncomfortable situation unfolding before me. After about five minutes, I finally returned to this kid with the same look on their face as when I left them, like someone who has been stuck in an infinite loop and can’t reason their way out of it. That’s when I said “Maybe it’s time to move on, have a good night!” and they left. While an apple a day may keep the doctor away, don’t eat the apple closest to the tree, it may have gone bad.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.

The Trough

Yes, we have a piss trough in the Men’s bathroom at work and it is spectacular! Complete with a rainforest style flush system, it really is a sight to behold. Some people are big fans of the trough, while others aren’t quite sure about sharing their bladder relief time with others in such a close proximity with their parts on display. Well, to those people I say, lighten up man, nobody is trying to sneak a peek at your stuff, get over yourself, we’re all just trying to get a little relief. I’ve seen many things in the trough, ranging from vomit to clothing and everything in between, this has never been a surprise to me, after all, it is in a bar bathroom. I did, however, hear something in there the other night that cracked me up. There was a kid in there taking a piss, talking to the other guy doing the same and he says “Man, it’s kind of weird peeing in the cow feeder!” Seriously? A cow feeder? Its a trough!! Kids these days! At least his friend corrected him.

Comments

For the sake of gender equality is there said trough offered to the ladies? I can see the advantage of cleanup of the extra bodily functions included in a bar setting and was just curious? Cheers Aa

If there were any room to put on in thereI would suggest it!

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.

Survival Tip Of The Day

Friday Night Survival Tip: If you have just met someone at the bar and have felt the need to apologize for their bad behavior, especially after they have referred to people within earshot as “bitches” run! Get away from them and don’t look back, otherwise the bartender may take some delight at the look on your face as you try to de-escalate the situation that has been thrust upon you. Chances are that this person may be certifiably crazy, if you think this may be the case you might want to ask them about any cool scars they might have. If the term “stab wound” comes up in the conversation you may want to have some sort of excuse to get away immediately, like a family emergency or lighting yourself on fire. At any rate, people like this are not worth your time unless you are indeed looking to get noticed on such places as the inmate list at your local jail. Trust me, those photos are not very flattering.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.

I Would Like to Apologize in Advance For.....

Sometimes you see something that makes you go “Yeah, that’s a good idea!” at least in your head it’s a good idea, then you go on your way and forget about it because of a phone call, beer, or near death experience got in the way. Well, when I got to work today, there on the cash register was a card that read “Tom Zeppo Boyle, Formerly of Memphis, TN now Bend, OR would like to apologize for his behavior on _______” Then it hit me, I used to joke with people about having cards similar to this made up to hand to the bartender and other innocent bystanders when we came into the bar. Believe me, back in the day, these things would have come in handy, at least so the people working in the bar would know when to kick us to the curb, saving themselves the trauma of the memories that we might have inflicted upon them. The more that I think about it though, half of the fun of being a complete dumbass was wondering who I needed to apologize to, kind of like a murder mystery but instead of a dead body, all we had to worry about was dead brain cells.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.

Lock Your Car Doors

Let me start off by saying, lock your car doors. My night was pretty uneventful for the most part, of course there were the usual suspects lurking around, the tweakers, drunks and people genuinely out for a good time, but for the most part it went off without a hitch. By the way, for those of you who can’t tell when the tweakers are around, the tell tale signs are, their drinks are full but have no ice left in them, the candy in the candy trays are all gone and the wrappers are all over the floor. But I digress. The most interesting part of the evening came when I was walking out to my car. One of my friends who works a couple doors down was out in the alley when I was leaving and seemed a bit befuddled. He walked up and said “Hey guys! So, what do you do when somebody you don’t know is passed out in your car?” Well, this is something out of the realm of anything I have had to deal with, so, mustering up all of my mental faculties after having just got off work, I said “What?” He said “Yeah, some guy in a bow tie is passed out in my car!” I advised that he call the local police in case the gentleman (bow tie) woke up in a foul mood and wanted to get a bit feisty. So, the moral of the story is, lock your car doors. As far as I know, locking your car doors does not make you a Democrat, Republican, a Christian, Muslim, an illegal immigrant, a conservative, a liberal or a dog hating gun toting knife wielding pervert. It does however make good sense, and apparently keeps drunk people from passing out in your car.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.

Pages