Halloweenies

Halloween is a time for festive costumes, drinking and having fun with your friends. Now, last night had some awesome costumes, like the ten foot Jesus, and plenty of merriment. No, I was not in the least disappointed, however there were those bah-humbuggers that just should have stayed home. Take for example the no costume wearing, not hanging out with anybody guy that passed out on the bar. Really? It’s Halloween man! At least checking out the naughty nurse or the robots should have kept his attention! Well, we got him on his way without issue and all was good with the world. The people that were bugging the shit out of me though were the impatient people waving their money at me from five people back in line. Seriously people, do you think I’m going to piss all these other patient folks off just because you have money in your hand? Yes, it always takes longer for them to get their drink for some reason, and that reason is because I am a spiteful jerk. At least that’s what they think, and I’m ok with that.

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Maybe Not Such A Delicate Petal

Well folks, wedding season is in full swing and along with that comes a plethora of wedding traditions. There are bachelor and bachelorette parties, bridal showers and then all of the superstitions associated with the bride in the wedding. One of the most well known is the tossing of the bouquet. As we all know, the lucky girl that catches the bouquet is supposed to be the next girl to get married of all the girls vying for the cherished airborne floral arrangement. If that is true and said girl happens to go out drinking after the reception and just happens to use the bouquet to stop the gushing flow of vomit from coming out of her mouth, thusly ruining said bouquet, is that a good or bad omen for her pending nuptials? All I could do was laugh as wave after wave of puke came out of this poor girl, leaking out of the stems of the bouquet at first, then flowing out onto her arms and the bar. Oh, and it didn’t stop there, when someone tried to help her into the bathroom and she tried to open the door with her head, she threw out one last bellyful of bile onto the door and on her shoes when her head failed to open the door. At least she bounced back after her bathroom adventure and was able to walk out on her own power. Unlike the bouquet, she was definitely no delicate pedal.

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...And Thanks For All The Shoes

“Rules are meant to be broken!” Yes this is something that we have all heard at one point or another and sometimes this rings true, especially around freedom day, while everyone is in the spirit of exercising their freedoms. However, sometimes those rules are good to have in place. Take for example, the restaurant and bar business. If washing your hands after using the bathroom was not a rule or making sure food was handled properly or stored at the proper temperature was something that was ignored it would not only be gross but also it would be a health risk. This is just a preface for a conversation that I had with a would-be customer last night. I went out in front of the bar to check on the level of foot traffic roaming around downtown last night when this guy that looked homeless walked up to me and asked “Hey man, are you guys still open?” I noticed he wasn’t wearing any shoes and said “Yeah, we’re still open, but you’re going to have to put on some shoes before you come in man.” He kind of gave a sigh and said “Oh, yeah.” Then he got this thoughtful look in his face and said “What if not wearing shoes is part of my religious beliefs? Like I am against wearing shoes because I believe it’s harmful to the earth or something and it’s my religion? Don’t you have to let me in then?” I simply told him that unfortunately it’s against the state health code to allow people into the restaurant without shoes and it’s also a liability to us as there could be broken glass or other things on the floor that could cut people’s feet that are not protected by shoes. He looked at me kind of confused and then piped up with the retort “Look man, I don’t believe in laws man! I don’t wear shoes and you shouldn’t either!” Then he looked down at my Dr. Marten’s creepers and his eyes kind of bugged out and said “Ok, you can wear shoes man, those things are awesome! Never mind! Rock on dude!” What’s the score? Dr. Marten’s-1, made up crazy guy religion-0.

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Cheap Ass

What was my favorite question of the night you might ask? “Hey dude, what kind of discount will you give me if I order twelve drinks?” It a busy Friday night and he interrupted me in the middle of helping another customer so my response (after I told him to wait his turn) was “Hmmm, let me think, I’d have to say none. What can I get you?” He looked at me kind of confused and said “Coors Light please.” Really? You’re only going to be a big shot if you get a discount? You sir are an ass, and a cheap one at that.

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Constant State Of Befuddlement

At some point in the night while drinking, the cognitive thinking process starts to break down. For example, when you ask for a “Bud Light draft” and the bartender says “I’m sorry, I only have that in a bottle” the proper responses that would be acceptable should be one of the following.
1. “Do you have Bud on draft?”
2. “What else do you have on draft?”
3. “Perfect!”
The unacceptable response from the sober, albeit socially awkward, customer that I got (with a very confused look I might add) was “Well, can I get that in a sixteen ounce?” Thankfully for this guy I was in a good mood, also, I knew my quick response of “What part about ONLY bottles did you not understand?” would have been lost on this guy, so I calmly said “The bottles are twelve ounces, if that works for you?” He looked at me, still befuddled, and before he could respond his friend pipes in and says “Perfect!” Thank God that guy read the Idiot’s Guide to Ordering a Drink at a Bar, after all, you can only put up with so much crap on your Friday night.

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