Hugs and Helmets

When going into a bar, I’m sure most people’s thoughts running through their head do not include “Hey, I think I’ll interrupt the bartender while he is super busy taking someone’s order to see if they have Fireball and then act like a jerk when he ignores me then tells me to wait my turn.” Well, you guessed it, that is exactly what happened. Now, while the direct offender is a great source of frustration in this situation, the real problem will have to fall upon the parents of said idiot. People, teach your kids manners when they are young so I don’t have to do it for you when they get older, it’s not my job. Getting your kids drunk so they make bad decisions, then have to call you at three in the morning to pick them up from the police station, yeah, that’s my job, and once again, back to that parenting thing. It’s not TV’s fault, or the schools and teacher’s fault, or their dumbass friends, it’s your fault for not giving them the tools to take on grownup life. Now, let’s say you did try to give them a good example of how to be a good person when they grow up and they are still entitled, rude jerks that make bad decisions. Well, I think at that point you have to chalk it up to natural selection and accept them for what they are and give them lots of hugs, and a helmet.

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There Are No Stupid Questions, Only Stupid People

Part of my job as a bartender is to try to give people what they want, like most service industry jobs, that is how you get repeat customers. Most of the time that is not a difficult task, you fill the glass up with the preferred adult beverage and voila! Now, there are those situations where someone isn’t sure about what they want so you do your best to steer them in the right direction by asking a few questions about their preferences. Then there are those people that think they know what they want but don’t actually have a clue because they have no idea about what they are talking about, kind of like trying to order a hamburger at a place that only sells cupcakes, much like the guy last night. He comes up to me and says “You know, I want a cocktail, but I don’t want it to be strong.” I proceed to tell him that our cocktails are poured pretty stiff as a general rule but I could accommodate his request. Then I asked him what he would like me to make him and he says “I think I’ll have a Manhattan.” Now, I took a second to gather the proper words, because I think a small part of my brain that is in charge of restraining the smart-ass comments from blasting this guy off of his barstool just short circuited. So, with as little sarcasm as possible, I asked “You do realize that a Manhattan has nothing but alcohol in it, don’t you?” (My eye may have just twitched a bit while I was asking that) To which he says “Oh yeah, well, it’s been a while since I’ve been out.” Seriously? That’s your best excuse? After having to bite my lip to keep myself from trying to explain why that statement made NO sense at all, I politely gave him a drink suggestion that might be a little more up his alley. Look guys, if you don’t know what you are ordering and are trying to look cool in front of a cute girl, stop, remember that you probably aren’t cool, and play it safe by ordering a beer. Also, you might just save an old bartender’s life by not triggering an aneurism.

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Lunatics

Why hello there full moon! How’s it going? I see you stirred things up again as usual, leaving it up to us bartenders and servers to help bring people down off the ledge and sent back on their way. Yeah, thanks for that. Honestly, it was a pretty mellow night, things were moving along just fine until the last half hour before closing. That’s when I was reminded of why the term “lunacy” exists. It is a derivative of the word Luna, which is moon, and the behavior associated with the affects the full moon has on people. I can tell you what the affect is on people when combined with alcohol, complete douchebaggery, that’s what. Do you feel the need to walk behind the bar? Go right ahead! Want to start a problem with a stranger? Why not! It’s almost a full moon! It’s like a get out of jail free card, except for the fact that there is no excuse for being a jackass and jail is real folks. Here’s an idea, let’s all try to behave like adults and recognize when the wheels are starting to come off the cart and stop to make sure the lug nuts are still attached.

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Bitch SNAFU

When you utter the phrase “It’s about time!” after I have served your drink on a busy Saturday night, you can expect to not be given another, especially when I apologized in advanced for you having to wait for your drink. If you are just naturally a bitch and just can’t help yourself, I expect that you get treated like this on a regular basis and just expect to be treated poorly when you go out. This would mean that your life falls under the old army acronym S.N.A.F.U. (Situation Normal All F*%#@& Up) which is sad to me. Anyone that thinks it is okay to be treated like crap because they prefer to treat others in the same fashion, rather than make the effort to be even the slightest bit nice, can go cram walnuts. The nice thing about the whole situation is, next time I will be on the offensive.

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Oh Tool, Thy Name Art Craftsman!

Ladies, when a guy comes up to you and says something like “What’s your name? I’m not trying to hit on you or anything, I just noticed you sitting here by yourself…..” they are hitting on you. Keep an eye on your drink and don’t leave the door open with your response to encourage further conversation, unless that is what you want. And guys, when you ask what someone’s name is, and your response is “That is the best name ever! I love that name!” you should expect a response like “You are a liar!” Also, it is a dead giveaway that you are indeed trying to hit on them, especially when they have seen you pulling the same smooth moves with two other people in the bar. Sir, you shall be known as Craftsman from this day forward because you are indeed a tool, just like the lady said.

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