Bitch SNAFU

When you utter the phrase “It’s about time!” after I have served your drink on a busy Saturday night, you can expect to not be given another, especially when I apologized in advanced for you having to wait for your drink. If you are just naturally a bitch and just can’t help yourself, I expect that you get treated like this on a regular basis and just expect to be treated poorly when you go out. This would mean that your life falls under the old army acronym S.N.A.F.U. (Situation Normal All F*%#@& Up) which is sad to me. Anyone that thinks it is okay to be treated like crap because they prefer to treat others in the same fashion, rather than make the effort to be even the slightest bit nice, can go cram walnuts. The nice thing about the whole situation is, next time I will be on the offensive.

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Oh Tool, Thy Name Art Craftsman!

Ladies, when a guy comes up to you and says something like “What’s your name? I’m not trying to hit on you or anything, I just noticed you sitting here by yourself…..” they are hitting on you. Keep an eye on your drink and don’t leave the door open with your response to encourage further conversation, unless that is what you want. And guys, when you ask what someone’s name is, and your response is “That is the best name ever! I love that name!” you should expect a response like “You are a liar!” Also, it is a dead giveaway that you are indeed trying to hit on them, especially when they have seen you pulling the same smooth moves with two other people in the bar. Sir, you shall be known as Craftsman from this day forward because you are indeed a tool, just like the lady said.

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When the Apple Falls

When the apple fell on Newton’s head it inspired him to greatness, the law of gravity will forever be thought of, in its beginnings, as some guy in funny pants getting hit with an apple. Had I seen it with my own two eyes, I would have laughed until I made a wet spot in me nickers. I did, however get to see another kind of apple fall tonight, and it didn’t fall far from the tree, in fact, it may have been leaning against the trunk when all was said and done. This kid came in, a bit wobbly and cross eyed, and said “Hey, you know my mom Debbie!” As they said the name, the resemblance was unmistakable, that’s when all the bad memories associated with the aforementioned Debbie came rushing in from over the years, and the trademark crazy eye sent a shiver of bad bar memories running down my spine. I simply said “Yeah, I remember your mom.” They said “Can I put a drink on her tab?” I said “Nope, she isn’t allowed to have a tab here and I can’t serve you, Have a good night.” That’s when I got the disturbing thousand-yard stare, looking right through me, while at the same time trying to comprehend what had just taken place in the conversation not seconds before. So, I went about my business, helping other customers and trying to ignore the uncomfortable situation unfolding before me. After about five minutes, I finally returned to this kid with the same look on their face as when I left them, like someone who has been stuck in an infinite loop and can’t reason their way out of it. That’s when I said “Maybe it’s time to move on, have a good night!” and they left. While an apple a day may keep the doctor away, don’t eat the apple closest to the tree, it may have gone bad.

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The Trough

Yes, we have a piss trough in the Men’s bathroom at work and it is spectacular! Complete with a rainforest style flush system, it really is a sight to behold. Some people are big fans of the trough, while others aren’t quite sure about sharing their bladder relief time with others in such a close proximity with their parts on display. Well, to those people I say, lighten up man, nobody is trying to sneak a peek at your stuff, get over yourself, we’re all just trying to get a little relief. I’ve seen many things in the trough, ranging from vomit to clothing and everything in between, this has never been a surprise to me, after all, it is in a bar bathroom. I did, however, hear something in there the other night that cracked me up. There was a kid in there taking a piss, talking to the other guy doing the same and he says “Man, it’s kind of weird peeing in the cow feeder!” Seriously? A cow feeder? Its a trough!! Kids these days! At least his friend corrected him.

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For the sake of gender equality is there said trough offered to the ladies? I can see the advantage of cleanup of the extra bodily functions included in a bar setting and was just curious? Cheers Aa

If there were any room to put on in thereI would suggest it!

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Survival Tip Of The Day

Friday Night Survival Tip: If you have just met someone at the bar and have felt the need to apologize for their bad behavior, especially after they have referred to people within earshot as “bitches” run! Get away from them and don’t look back, otherwise the bartender may take some delight at the look on your face as you try to de-escalate the situation that has been thrust upon you. Chances are that this person may be certifiably crazy, if you think this may be the case you might want to ask them about any cool scars they might have. If the term “stab wound” comes up in the conversation you may want to have some sort of excuse to get away immediately, like a family emergency or lighting yourself on fire. At any rate, people like this are not worth your time unless you are indeed looking to get noticed on such places as the inmate list at your local jail. Trust me, those photos are not very flattering.

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