Twenty Questions

The holidays are upon us as you all know, and with it brings all kinds of people to my bar, but for some reason, last night was chock full of annoying, oblivious people. Now, I’m sorry if you’re alone and are looking for someone to talk to, but seriously, when I have customer three deep all down the bar, try talking to one of them instead of asking me what every drink is that I’m making and what is in it, then try shaking my hand every two minutes. I finally lost it and said “Look man, you seem like a nice enough guy but you have to stop with all the questions, I’m busy!” Not only does that sort of thing throw me off my rhythm, but I have anywhere from five to ten drink orders in my head when it’s that busy, not to mention to remember who needs to check out and keep my eye on the jackasses that are trying to start problems. Fortunately, the guy grabbed some girl’s ass and then it was a no brainer, “You’re out of here man!” and my door guy came up and escorted him out. I got to relax a little at that point, but not for long as the bar was busy all night and as everyone knows, there’s never a dull moment when the bar is that packed. Right after we got Mr. Annoying out of there I breathed a sigh of relief and took another drink order and the girl standing at the well says “Hey, what are you making? What’s in that?” I think my eye started to twitch a bit, but I forced a smile and said “It’s a Jack and Coke, want one?”

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The Twelve Bars of Christmas

Twas the Twelve Bars of Christmas that happened last night, with elves and a giant teddy bear, I thought, there could be a fight. With the toy soldier standing guard and the angels all aglow, was there any problems you might ask? I’d have to say no! There was some small issues earlier with a puking package of bows and ribbons, but they got home safely, in a cab, that was a given. With the Santas and elves getting older each year, there was definitely more food served and maybe a bit less beer. Every year I enjoy seeing the Twelve Bars of Christmas people out and about, but be careful Ralphie, or you’ll shoot your eye out! Seriously though, what a great group this year, there was a giant teddy bear, a toy soldier, a giant aquatic synchronized swimmer, some angels and a ton of elves and Santas. Thanks for making an otherwise boring Thursday night a lot of fun. And yes, there was a puker, but with the cops dealing with multiple fights down the street, we had a hassle free time with our costumed up customers. Thanks again everyone, and to all a good night!

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Hey Man, Is That Really You?

One of the more interesting parts of my job is checking people’s IDs. You get to meet people from all over the country, and the world for that matter by simply needing to know if they are old enough to be in your bar. I’ve seen passports from all over the world and driver’s licenses from every state that can lead into some interesting conversations and make people feel more comfortable. Last night however I had several scenarios where people were either being shysters about the existence of an ID or it was just not acceptable. The first person was the classic “just got out of prison” guy with a prison ID with the excuse “Dude, I just got out and this is all I got. I aint even got a chance to get no ID yet.” Sorry but we don’t accept those and if your PO found out you were at the bar you just might get yourself into a bit of a problem. The second situation was the classic “Oh, I left it in the car, I’ll be right back.” and I never saw them again. The last one was a girl with a large group of friends, half of which I was not looking forward to having to cut off because they were already shitfaced and could hardly walk. When she handed me her ID it was in six pieces and held together by about two feet of scotch tape. I didn’t even bother to look at the date and just handed it back to her and told her I could not accept it. Of course someone in the group had to pull out the old “Dude, sorry about all the money you’re missing out on, we’ll just have to spend it somewhere else I guess!” Of course they get my canned response “Have a good night!” with a smile, always a smile. I could go into the laws and policies with these types of people, but I figure they’re going to think I’m an asshole anyway so why bother, I know why, it’s so I get to keep my job, that’s why. Besides, if I didn’t, what would I have to write about?

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Buck Go Smash!

Hey Drunkie! Just a reminder, when you order food and I tell you that that is not available anymore because the menu has changed to the late night menu then you try to order the same thing a different way THAT is what’s called a dick move. You obviously didn’t notice the vein in my forehead bulging out after you ran me through the paces and tried ordering off of the whole menu after I told you what part of the menu you could order from three times, keeping me from the other customers at the bar who were waiting to be served. You should thank your lucky stars that my co-worker noticed the steam coming out of my ears and took over, quite seamlessly I might add, by coming over and asking me to help her with a drink. Otherwise it could have ended up with me calling you some colorful names that would have been very well constructed and lost on you because of the fact that you would not be able to remember them the next day, thusly robbing me of pissing you off as much as you frustrated me. In the end it was best for both of us that your white knight came swooping in to save the day, even though you tipped her shit and left your to go box on the counter when you left. It’s a funny thing, I do my best to keep my cool at work, and unfortunately some people have a special way of bringing out the Bruce Banner in me. It’s an interesting circumstance that we have the same initials and both turn into monsters after being pushed too far.

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Should Santa Be On The Naughty List?

Santa Clause is a philanderer. Why would I say such a thing you might ask? Well, this may be an educated guess, but I think Santa’s illegitimate children here in town got together for a meet and greet last night. After all, he does get around all over the globe and sneaks undetected into people’s homes all the time then disappears after he leaves his presents. Would it be so farfetched to think he didn’t get a little action on the side? I think not. All the little bastards (proper use of the word here, not a derogatory slur) came dressed like their dad in sloppy loose fitting red garb, some complete with beards and the girls in skanky girl Santa outfits. The thing that I couldn’t figure out was the fact that the temperature last night was negative twenty (no kidding) and the guys were all bundled up, complete with long johns, gloves and boots, while the girls were prancing around (just a select few) with their egg-nog jugs hanging out looking like little Ho, Ho, Ho’s. Now, would Santa put his own kids on the naughty list? After some of the things I saw last night, I would hope so. Some of them definitely made my list.

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