Keep It In Your Pants Penis Breath!

If I had to pick a common thread for a couple of funny instances last night, it would have to be something to do with the male reproductive organ, also known as the penis. Our first incident came about when a jack-jawed tough guy came in and started messing with one of my regulars and took his hat. Now, in my experience, you don’t just snatch another person’s hat away from them, it never leads to anything good. So, a little pushing started over the incident and I got it separated and calmed down, sending the over excited idiot hat-grabber on his way. His parting comment while leaving the bar was “Come on penis breath!” as his girl was pushing him outside. Really? Penis breath? Are we in fifth-grade again? Now, part two of penis night was quite funny as well with an excellent parting quote. A girl sitting at the end of the bar overheard some guys having a conversation about the size of their junk. She pipes up and says “Oh really? I want to see!” Well, hearing that, I look down to see one of the guys ready to accommodate her request, but before he could get it out I stopped him and informed him that it was not ok to brandish his schlong-sward in the bar and they would have to take show and tell outside, so they did. After about thirty seconds she comes back in and says “I saw it, I touched it, now I got to go!” and exited the building. Yes, the full moon works in mysterious ways, you never know what you’re going to get, and if that girl is smart she washed her hands thoroughly or she may not be happy with what SHE gets.

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Sad Pony

When you choose to sport a ponytail as a grown man there are a few things you need to ask yourself like “Can I pull this off?” or “Is this the look I really want to go for?” and most importantly “Do I have enough hair to legitimately deserve a ponytail?” To the gentleman that came in to the bar last night with a ponytail, the answer to the last question should have been a resounding “NO!” Sorry buddy, but when you can see more scalp than hair it’s time to let it go. Looking at this guy’s hair kind of reminded me of the last few stragglers you get at a party, just hanging on because they have nothing better to do. Eventually they will go join their friends that have already migrated to your back, nose or ears, so give them the push they need. No, it’s not an easy decision for anyone to break up with their hair, but it will get better, and in time you will realize that your hair was just holding you back and costing you unnecessary money in shampoo, hair products and combs. Go gracefully into that good night my hair, you will be missed but not forgotten.

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Angry Little Man

I have never been a fan of those that are drama queens, have been 86’d from where I work (particularly if I’m the one that 86’d them) refuse to leave the premises on their own when asked to leave or anyone that calls me a bitch in hopes of me attacking them. The old man that has been kicked out of the bar for years for, pretty much, trying to get beat up so that he can sue someone because he’s a broke ass drunk, came back in again last night. The one thing he didn’t count on? Me telling everyone not to touch him and leave him alone, no matter how much he insulted me, them or the bar. I simply called the cops to have him removed, and after he realized the cops had actually been called and nobody was going to assault him, he high-tailed it out the back door. It was satisfying to not let that little shit-bag get the best of me, let alone give him a reason to file a lawsuit because someone got mad enough to beat him up. Instead, it was fun to watch him running down the alley, cussing up a storm as he was acting like he was the one calling the cops. This is not “your town” as you probably don't contribute to the community, unless you count being a negative roll model, nobody called you a “bitch” and when you are not welcome and do not leave, yes, you will be arrested when you are trespassing you little troll. When you get 86’d from almost every bar in town and insult as many people as this guy has, you may need to reconsider your drinking habits, they could be detrimental to your health. Not that I would ever lay a hand on this sorry excuse for a human, but I do believe they could use this guy as a poster child for both birth controll and how not playing nice with others can make you a lonely person when you grow up.

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Word Choice Is Key

Quote of the night “Oh my God! I am so retarded, seriously, I’m a fucking retard, I forgot my card at the last bar.” First, wrong word choice dumb-ass, dumb-ass would have been a more proper description of how you were being. Secondly, the “R” word can be offensive to some people, so that is one you should keep in the bag, along with the “N” word, the “F” word around children and in some circles the “I’m going to stab you” word. Seriously lady, you are not retarded, stupid, yes, overdressed to be butt-wasted at a dive bar, definitely and did I mention stupid? I have met and worked with people that have disabilities and I’m telling you right now, they are far more caring and intelligent than you are being right now, so pull your little blond head out of your ass and quit making a drama scene out of such a trivial problem as having forgotten your credit card with someone that obviously is holding it for you and would probably like for you to retrieve it and sign for your bill. I have been trying not to misuse certain words as I know they can be hurtful, albeit unintentionally, but hurtful and hateful nonetheless, none of which are dipshit, dumb-ass or skank. I will continue using those words to describe people as they apply until further notice.

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Fuck You Tough Guy! (TSOL Reference)

The first sign that you may be dealing with a “tough guy” is the loud talking braggart trying to hit on your girlfriend at the bar. The second sign that this guy is being a jerk is when the bartender tells him to mellow out and go mind his own business and he tries to get said bartender to tell him to literally “Fuck off!” with his arms spread wide in a challenging manner. Then, when Mr. Tough Guy keeps on pushing the limits of good taste and referring to the bar as a “shit hole” , I had to ask in a tactful and polite manner, what the problem was, exactly, that he was having. When the words “faggot” and “cocksucker” erupted from his mouth like a bad case of diarrhea I had reached the breaking point. That’s when he was asked politely to leave, and at that point and he agreed that he would. Then when I turned around to attend the bar he called me some super fun names. So I turned back and asked him what he had said, knowing full well what he said, and he denied saying anything, so I turned to leave again and he blurted out some more expletives in my direction and that’s when I got not-so nice. Basically I said “What’s your problem man? You can talk shit behind my back but not to my face? Get the fuck out of here tough guy!” He then stated that he was indeed a tough guy and could kick my ass. Without ANY sarcasm, I told him that I was sure he was really tough and awesome and referred him to the door again. Then he walked around the corner and started talking all kinds of smack. I think every reference to me being a homosexual that I have ever heard was thrown in my direction along with him kicking my ass, which is funny, because those types of things don’t bother me, people like him bother me. Small minded fools that try to belittle others by using hateful words have no place in my world, especially when you can’t even own up to what you are saying to another person’s face. Be gone you ignorant wretch, I wouldn’t be surprised to see your face in the mug shot section tomorrow. I guess being a balding drunken, slovenly, hateful ginger with a goatee and without a date on a Saturday night can be trying to some people.

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