May 2014

Constant State Of Befuddlement

At some point in the night while drinking, the cognitive thinking process starts to break down. For example, when you ask for a “Bud Light draft” and the bartender says “I’m sorry, I only have that in a bottle” the proper responses that would be acceptable should be one of the following.
1. “Do you have Bud on draft?”
2. “What else do you have on draft?”
3. “Perfect!”

Unimpressive Duke-Bag

One way to be very unimpressive and seem slightly racist and sexist at the same time is to come up to the bar and say (not being sarcastic I might add) “Wow, you’re not even close to as hot as the Asian chick with the hot ass that was working earlier!” Yes asshole, thanks for not thinking I have a hot ass, and judging by the wedding ring on your finger, your wife wouldn’t be too stoked on your statement either.

Happy Mother's Day Mother Fu**ers!

This day is a special day, so instead of telling you all about the guy that sprayed crap all over the men’s bathroom toilet (yes, literally all over the toilet) the tweaker chick that I chewed out for being an irrational psycho (imagine that!) or the three people that destroyed the two bathrooms in the bar with vomit, I thought I’d send out a positive message to everyone today. Thanks to all the moms that didn’t do all that bad stuff I told you about from last night!

Sex And Pizza

If anyone has seen the Saturday Night Live “Bill Brasky” sketch from years ago when that show was good, then you have some idea about the group of old guys that came in last night. Loud and obnoxious is fairly normal for a Friday night, but these guys were the “I’m loud because I’m important! Pay attention to me!!” kind of people that just annoy the crap out of anyone within earshot. Finally, the loudest guy chimes in with “There’s no such thing as a bad blowjob! It’s like pizza!

It's Punk And Fun Time!

So, this girl walks up to me last night in the middle of a punk show and says “Do you have a towel? There’s a spill over there!” So I toss her a towel and she looks at me like I’m an idiot and says “Someone dropped a beer on the floor!