March 2014

The Sophisticunt

“That guy over there with the scruffy beard seems nice, but I just don’t think he’s sophisticated enough for me.” So said the older poorly dressed stuck up weirdo sitting at the bar eating corn chips covered with microwave melted cheddar cheese drinking Diet Pepsi in my dive bar last night. Sorry to burst your bubble sweetheart, but you would be so lucky as to have a nice guy like that interested in you for even a little while. He is nice, polite, always pays for his own drinks and has a job.

Impotent Jerk

Why is it that some people just don’t get it? By the time you are in your fifties you should have at least a bit of self respect and half a clue on how to conduct yourself. Whether it’s in public or in life, this is something you should have learned through a few hard lessons and “character building” experiences along the way in your decades upon this planet earth.

The Skank-Tity Of Marriage

Well, its official, Creepy Old Married Guy season is now upon us. I had my first sighting last night and it wasn’t pretty. Two older guys came in, one with a wedding ring and the other with the obvious wedding ring indentation on his finger, looking for “Where the action is” in town, hitting on everything that moved in the bar.

Just Your Average Everyday Dipshits

I think a sitcom test run came into the bar last night. I didn’t see any cameras or anything like that around, but those networks can be sneaky you know. It was the perfect scenario, you take four friends, the nerdy intellectual (Rustle), the slovenly micro-brew hoodie wearer (Boner), the dreadlock guy with a Where’s Waldo hat on (Darnell) and a guy that looks like Napoleon Dynamite but with a leather jacket and a Jean Claude Van Damme pony tail (Jackson) and there you have it.

Can I Get Purple Dog With A Splash Of Confusion?

“What kind of Greyhounds do you make?” Yes, this is a question that I received several times last night. My response? “What do you mean? A Greyhound is a Greyhound, if it is not made with grapefruit juice and vodka then it is not a Greyhound, it would have a different name. Could you be a little more specific?” In a very pleasant tone of course. I had responses from basil and mint to blueberry in trying to describe what they wanted, that I can deal with. For one, we have none of those things and it made it easier for me to give them other options for drinks that they might like.