December 2013

Angry Little Man

I have never been a fan of those that are drama queens, have been 86’d from where I work (particularly if I’m the one that 86’d them) refuse to leave the premises on their own when asked to leave or anyone that calls me a bitch in hopes of me attacking them. The old man that has been kicked out of the bar for years for, pretty much, trying to get beat up so that he can sue someone because he’s a broke ass drunk, came back in again last night. The one thing he didn’t count on? Me telling everyone not to touch him and leave him alone, no matter how much he insulted me, them or the bar.

Word Choice Is Key

Quote of the night “Oh my God! I am so retarded, seriously, I’m a fucking retard, I forgot my card at the last bar.” First, wrong word choice dumb-ass, dumb-ass would have been a more proper description of how you were being. Secondly, the “R” word can be offensive to some people, so that is one you should keep in the bag, along with the “N” word, the “F” word around children and in some circles the “I’m going to stab you” word. Seriously lady, you are not retarded, stupid, yes, overdressed to be butt-wasted at a dive bar, definitely and did I mention stupid?

Fuck You Tough Guy! (TSOL Reference)

The first sign that you may be dealing with a “tough guy” is the loud talking braggart trying to hit on your girlfriend at the bar. The second sign that this guy is being a jerk is when the bartender tells him to mellow out and go mind his own business and he tries to get said bartender to tell him to literally “Fuck off!” with his arms spread wide in a challenging manner. Then, when Mr. Tough Guy keeps on pushing the limits of good taste and referring to the bar as a “shit hole” , I had to ask in a tactful and polite manner, what the problem was, exactly, that he was having.

Twenty Questions

The holidays are upon us as you all know, and with it brings all kinds of people to my bar, but for some reason, last night was chock full of annoying, oblivious people. Now, I’m sorry if you’re alone and are looking for someone to talk to, but seriously, when I have customer three deep all down the bar, try talking to one of them instead of asking me what every drink is that I’m making and what is in it, then try shaking my hand every two minutes.

The Twelve Bars of Christmas

Twas the Twelve Bars of Christmas that happened last night, with elves and a giant teddy bear, I thought, there could be a fight. With the toy soldier standing guard and the angels all aglow, was there any problems you might ask? I’d have to say no! There was some small issues earlier with a puking package of bows and ribbons, but they got home safely, in a cab, that was a given. With the Santas and elves getting older each year, there was definitely more food served and maybe a bit less beer.

Hey Man, Is That Really You?

One of the more interesting parts of my job is checking people’s IDs. You get to meet people from all over the country, and the world for that matter by simply needing to know if they are old enough to be in your bar. I’ve seen passports from all over the world and driver’s licenses from every state that can lead into some interesting conversations and make people feel more comfortable. Last night however I had several scenarios where people were either being shysters about the existence of an ID or it was just not acceptable.

Buck Go Smash!

Hey Drunkie! Just a reminder, when you order food and I tell you that that is not available anymore because the menu has changed to the late night menu then you try to order the same thing a different way THAT is what’s called a dick move. You obviously didn’t notice the vein in my forehead bulging out after you ran me through the paces and tried ordering off of the whole menu after I told you what part of the menu you could order from three times, keeping me from the other customers at the bar who were waiting to be served.

Should Santa Be On The Naughty List?

Santa Clause is a philanderer. Why would I say such a thing you might ask? Well, this may be an educated guess, but I think Santa’s illegitimate children here in town got together for a meet and greet last night. After all, he does get around all over the globe and sneaks undetected into people’s homes all the time then disappears after he leaves his presents. Would it be so farfetched to think he didn’t get a little action on the side? I think not.

Thanks, But No Thanks

People like to show their gratitude in a number of different ways when you work in a bar. There is the usual “thank you” the people that like to tip and occasionally a nice drunk girl will flash you her tits, whether you want to see them or not (no, sorry guys, that did not happen last night). However many different ways people like to say thank you for the good times I am always appreciative. Then there was that one woman last night that caught me off guard.