November 2013

Trustifarian Douche

What do you call someone when they look like a hippie, smell like a hippie and act like a douche bag? Well, I’m going to say a pseudo-intellectual trustifarian jerk-off. Sorry, but when you look like a nerd version of Jesus, but act like a nerd version of a spoiled rich kid, I’m guessing mommy and daddy’s checkbook had something to do with how you now behave as an adult. The loudmouth know-it-all finally pushed it over the edge by slamming around the pinball machine acting like he was humping it trying to prove some irrelevant point to some other hippie chicks.

Your Own Worst Enemy

If, by chance, you find yourself in a situation where two people that don’t even know you want to put a beat-down on you and the bartender is calling you out on your bullshit because you’re acting like a little kid, yelling and making a drama scene, maybe you have to take a look in the mirror to find out what your real problem is. Yes, that would be you. And when the bartender finds out that you have actually been starting shit with people a week ago and calls you out on it and your response is “Weird! I don’t remember that!” maybe you need to re-evaluate your drug and drinking habits.

Thank Your Lucky Charms

There is nothing more annoying at the end of the night than an angry drunk little foreigner that stole someone’s drink, falling asleep at a table. The funny thing is, while its extremely frustrating, it can also be quite entertaining. I went to pull the drink that he had ended up with while he was sleeping and odly enough, he must have some sort of Irish super power that lets him know when someone is stealing the booze he claimed for his own.

XXX-Ray Vision?

To the older guy with the east coast accent creeping out every girl in the bar, does that really work where you’re from? Walking up to women you don’t know and giving them the up and down, then standing there staring at them? When I cut you off and said I didn’t think you needed another drink after you had been served root-beer, what I really wanted to say was “Fuck no I’m not going to give you another drink you creepy jackass! Leave my customers alone and never come back!” But I was more diplomatic than that, of course.

Rock That Ashtray Tweaker!

It was a nice mellow evening, hanging out with regulars and being mellow, then I smelled something. I knew what it was before I even looked up and reaffirmed my suspicions, it was a filthy tweaker. Not only did he stink, but was about as filthy a person as I have seen in a long time with a little weasel looking mini tweaker on his heels. After his bank card was declined in the ATM they started wandering around the bar, looking for some kind of loose money to scoop up. After their attempts at easy money were thwarted, they went out front to panhandle.

Running A Little Slow AND Late!

Spoiler alert, when you come into the bar demanding something, anything, that will usually get you nowhere and nothing. So this group of young tweaker kids walks in after we are done for the night and all the chairs are up and the scrawny little ring leader says, after we all told him we were done serving “Hey, it’s not two in the morning yet!