October 2013

False Holliday

Let me state for the record that I do not agree with celebrating Halloween on any day except for Halloween. Yes, I understand that some people have to work and want to celebrate the holiday so that they have a day to rest afterward, so why not do that with St. Patrick’s Day or New Years Eve? Maybe because it wouldn’t be the same? Exactly! There were no trick-or-treaters out last night, no houses covered in toilet paper on the way home and I did not see one smashed pumpkin lying in the street.

Listen! Do You Smell Something?

As I was working last night, I saw a couple of guys that I kind of knew and went over to say hi as I was walking by their table. I shook hands with both of them and they introduced me to one of their co-workers. My initial response inside my head was “Holly Shit!!!” This guy looked up at me with the craziest tweaker stare, was missing most of his teeth, filthy as all get out and grabbed my hand to shake it while jumping up out of his chair like he’d been living on a deserted island and hadn’t seen people for years. He shook my hand very excitedly and said “Wow!

Love Thine Self, Nobdy Else Is Going To Be

I love it when people are completely obnoxious and try to make up for it by buying people drinks to hang out with them. I guess what they don’t understand is that just because you are buying people drinks and they are hanging out with you because of that, they still don’t like you because you are acting like a self-important douche, and sooner than later they will abandon you.

Mr Observant

The last thing you want to hear from someone that you don’t know right after you just arrived at work with a pinched nerve in your neck and shoulder blade is “Wow, you seem like you’re in a bad mood! What’s your problem?” Even though I hadn’t so much as uttered a word to the guy. I could have given him a lengthy explanation of my circumstance, but being me, I had to pop off with “Trust me, it can get a lot worse.” That shut down Mr. Giggles pretty quick, but he changed his tune pretty quickly after he got his drink and noticed that I was moving kind of like a robot, all blocky and slow.

Please Take Your Crazy Elsewhere, We're All Full Up!

As I sit here sipping on my whiskey and beer, I can honestly tell you, last night did not disappoint from a people watching perspective. Yes, it was busy, so much so that I didn’t get to even take a piss until eleven-thirty, even then it was a rush job, that’s why I wear black pants at work, just in case I dribble a little.

PBS

I have formed a new theory on why it is that drunk people seem to be drawn to ugly people to have sex with. I call it “Pecker Blind Syndrome” for guys and “Pussy Blind Syndrome” for women, so for either sex the term I will be using for my study will be PBS. I intend to prove that for some people, when alcohol is consumed, there is a hormone that is released by the genital region that affects the ocular receptors in that person to make people appear more attractive and intelligent than they actually are, sometimes up to seven degrees of attractiveness and fifty IQ points higher.