April 2013

Grateful Braindead

Full moon plus jam band show equals what you might ask? Well, a bunch of drunk, stoned people looking for food at one-o’clock in the morning and none too happy that all we had to eat was fried food. One guy comes stumbling in looking for a menu, stoned to the bejezus and drunk as all get out, looks me as close to in the eye as possible and asks for a whiskey and a beer. Now, not that I would have served him anyway, but I notice two big black “X” marks on the backs of his hands, denoting that he had been cut off somewhere before he got to me.

Good Friends And Bad Habits

I’m not saying that you have a problem if you gamble, in fact its fun to try your luck from time to time. I’m saying that you might have a problem if you are so into your gambling, drinking and tweaking that you look like you are glitching out while you are playing. Seriously, this woman looked like she was falling asleep, having seizures and fighting all of that just to push the button on the machine to lose more money, then stop and glare at everyone around her every couple of minutes or so because she was so paranoid.

We Suck

To the old redneck that thinks my bar sucks, let me ask you this. Does the place suck because I can’t serve your drunk ass after you have fallen off your bar stool, or was it because I told you to quit bothering the people around you that were getting ready to get up and leave, or could it have been the fact that you could barely talk, let alone order a drink and when asked to leave felt the need to inform everyone in the bar how much of an asshole I am? If that is the criteria on which you base how much a bar sucks, then yes indeed my man, we suck, we suck awesomely.

Ugly Pervs

Hey drunk ugly people! Quit making out at my bar! It’s bad enough that I have to listen to the three of you talk about your sex quirks, like choking people, pulling hair, foot sucking and all that, but I don’t need to see you making out too. These people were so ugly that I overheard one customer say to another “I think it’s disgusting that a guy would take advantage of a retarded girl like that!” Sorry folks, the girl in question did not have a condition, other than the fact that she was drunk and liked talking about how she liked to smash guys junk for being bad.

Secret Agenda

What is friendship? Well, friendship is ordering your drunk friend water, food and in the event that they start to fall asleep, hold their head up so the neither drool on themselves or fall out of their chair while waiting for a cab. That’s what a good friend would do for you on a night out on the town. Now while this scenario sounds like a good friend taking care of a fallen comrade, and every bit of it happened last night, you might look a bit deeper and see that maybe it was not the act of a good friend, rather that of a horny friend not wanting to miss the chance at a hookup.

Speed Creeper

Now, I’ve heard of speed dating, but not speed creeping, that is until I witnessed it last night first hand. This little scrawny wiry guy with a crappy polo and pants that were belted up and probably two sizes too big for him comes in and right off the bat lays into these two women sitting at the two closest seats to the door before I even get a drink order. I walk up and ask the guy what he’d like to drink and he says “Vodka and orange juice” without even looking at me as he pulled out his credit card.

Tweakers Be Trippin'

So, last night was not particularly busy at all, but what to write about? I could write about the psycho ponytail guy trying to start a fight by pulling another guy’s hair, but that turned out to be an easy fix. Kick out the ponytail jackass. Or maybe I could tell you about the self-important conspiracy theory guy that owns property all over the state and an airplane that coined the phrase “Ipso-facto fucked up shit!” but that one can be put off for another time as I do take notes. No the winner/loser last night was an unassuming tweaker that came in to gamble.

Whistle On This!

This goes out to the guy that was whistling at me for service last night. Hey asshole, I think it’s great that someone like you can whistle, since you don’t have the common sense to get a decent haircut or have the ability to notice that the bar is packed to the point that you can’t even move. Yeah, as soon as I heard that sound, it definitely got my attention, but probably not in the way that he wanted it.

Under-Out Day!

There is a new holiday out there folks and apparently I was once again uninformed of the creation of this celebration. From this day forward April the fourth shall be known as Under-Out day. Yes, underwear, thongs and bras should be worn in a fashion as to make them visible to all, no matter how tacky, dirty or unsavory they may be.

Once An Ass.....

It sure is fun when you see someone walk through the door and your inside voice says “Aww, really? Damn it!” Yes, it happens sometimes, but I try to make the best of it and give the person in question the benefit of the doubt anyway, that is until they prove me wrong, then my inside voice says “Aww, really? Damn it!” Take for example the fifty-something year old hag that came in last night that I have had to kick out of multiple bars for starting fights, doing drugs in the bathroom and offering sex to customers out in the parking lot.