March 2013

Ooooh That Smell

So when the girl in the bar announces to everyone that “I just want to get laid!” she might want to take a few factors into account. First, fix yourself up a bit, after all, you are looking for a hookup. Secondly, you don’t have to act like a stupid bimbo with no self esteem that’s just trying to give it away to the first taker. There’s enough ugly kids in the world and you don’t need to take the chance that Mr. Right Now might get you knocked up, because let’s face it, two ugly drunk people are not going to make a good looking baby.

Something For Nothing

Butt kisser, boot-lick, brown noser, however you say it, it all means the same thing, either somebody wants something or they’re trying to overcompensate for fucking up. Take for example the young lady last night, having kicked her out in the past several times she knew she was on my short list and instantly started in with the sickly sweet “Hey sweetie!

Creepy Clown

When you are a creepy guy, there is no way you can’t know that you are a creeper. Take for example the guy that came in last night, now, I have kicked this guy out of the bar at least four times for creeping people out and acting inappropriately. Not only that but when confronted with situations he refuses to acknowledge that he is wrong and starts to argue, trying to make me think that I am completely off base and ridiculous.

Stupid As Hell

This is a new one for me, so try to keep up if you can. These two self professed businessmen came in last night for drinks, nothing new, a couple of vodka Red Bulls with a splash of cranberry. After they got into their second round, one of the guys says “Hey man, you’re a hell of a bartender, what’s your name?” I replied that my name was Buck and shook his hand. What happened next is what completely threw me off. He responded “Buck! That’s a great name! Do you Buck Schultz? He was my high school social studies teacher in Salem!” What??? How in the fuck does that even make sense?

Good Cow Bad Cow

So, it happened again last night, no, no more bathroom stories (thank God!) this time it was another usual occurrence, the stupid question. It started out with the usual mellow customer thumbing through the menu when the “This may sound like a stupid question but….” sentence came up.

Nestle Instant Karma, Just Add Puke

En•ti•tle•ment noun \én-ˈtī-təl-mənt\ : belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. Well, that seemed to be the theme of the customers last night. From the girl that did not look like the picture on her I.D. and whose friend thought that threatening me would get her somewhere (besides out the door) to the guy that demanded a receipt before he even paid his bill, it was a night of spoiled rotten entitled people. The best had to be the “lady” that left her money on the bar and basically accused me of stealing it, even though it was right where she left it.

Zombie Surfer

Twenty first birthdays are a fun and joyous time in a young person’s life. It’s like a final rite of passage into adulthood and we try to take full advantage of the situation to celebrate with friends and create lasting memories. Not surprisingly, most people that turn twenty one have been drinking for a while and have some idea about what they like to drink and what to stay away from. However that is not always the case, and sometimes your friends destroy you before you even know what is happening, like the young man last night. After a shot, a couple of beers, another shot and an A.M.F.

Throwing Stones

The creatures of the night were out and about for sure, and aside from a couple of re-runs that were in that I could have written about again last night, there were also a few newbie types that I had never seen before. Two guys that I had never seen before, in fact, stood out as a bit awkward and proved me right, bless their odd little hearts. They were a bit older, maybe fifty or so, had beer guts, one of the guys had an ear ring (yes, just one) and were dressed like they had maybe been skiing or something earlier in the day.

Excuse Me, I Seem To Have Shit Myself

As I was talking to one of my friends at the bar last night something subtly caught my sniffer for about a second, then invaded my olfactory sense like the Nazi’s taking over Poland, fast and horrible. At first I thought someone had puked, then I thought someone had shit, turns out, when I went into the bathroom to investigate I was unfortunately right on both counts. Was anyone in there to pin that horrible foul stench on you might ask? Of course not, but they did leave behind a pair of soiled boxers lying next to the toilet as evidence of their obvious faux pas.