January 2013

Chicken And Weed

I can always tell when a huge stoner event is going on in town, like last night for example, only it was not one but two events simultaneously colliding along with a near full moon. You know what that means? Chicken strips, fries and tots, that’s what it means. Hundreds of zombie stoners with one thing on their mind, food, as greasy and fast as you can get it to them, that can only be satisfied with deep fried.

Go Away Drunkie!

So, when the drunken chubby little troll yells at me from the doorway “Why the fuck are you guys closed for already?” (public schools have made great strides in grammar these days) I think my response was quite proper when I playfully yelled back “To piss you off!”

Self Cock Blocking

When an older couple (yes, older than me) comes in for a first date it is kind of cute. They are not sure how to act, don’t know what each other drinks and kind of act a bit clumsy. Call me an old romantic but it gives me hope that when circumstances arise, be it divorce or loss of a loved one later in life, there is still someone out there for everyone. So when an older gentleman comes in and orders himself a drink and one for his date with a sparkle in his eye I am going to do my best not to screw it up for him by making sure everything goes off without a hitch.

Not My Fucking Problem, Don't Make It One

Now, keeping in line with this week’s acronym theme I was inspired last night to share another with you. In my strange little brain I have many classifications for different circumstances, and lately my favorite saying for situations that I have no control over and can choose whether or not to deal with is the category called N.M.F.P. or simply, not my fucking problem. Take the weird drugged out girl that came in last night acting very strange, turns out she had been accused of theft at another bar and was hiding out in our place.


Last night was a standard issue T.C.B. night (for those of you not familiar with the Elvis-ism that’s Taking Care of Business) not too busy, just having fun with the regulars and chatting with a few new customers. That was all good and fine until one of my late night regulars came in, got one drink and Wahoo! It appeared he had gotten a case of the fubar out of nowhere, so we poured him into a cab and got him home safe.

Crazy Drama Liar

The C.D.L. of which I speak within this little story is not referring to the Commercial Drivers License, no rather it is the Crazy Drama Liar that I and my co-workers all had the unfortunate circumstance of having to deal with last night. At first appearance she was cute, polite and sober, but then firs impressions aren’t always what they are cracked up to be.

Trouble Ahead

Ok, I may be dating myself here but who remembers watching Chips? For those of you too young to remember, it was an old TV show about the two hip motorcycle cops, Jon and Ponch on the California Highway Patrol that helped capture the bad guy and saved the day on a weekly basis. Now, the show was totally predictable, but it did have its moments, like every week there was a huge fifty car pile-up. The one thing I never understood, even as a kid, was why people kept driving into that huge pile of wreckage even though they had plenty of time to avoid it?

Go Away Creepy Little Man!

Hey guys, here’s something to keep in mind when you are out drinking, don’t creep out the girls working at the bar. When the girls get creeped out, their male co-workers tend to get a bit protective and you may just find yourself being removed rather abruptly and in an unfriendly manner, finding yourself out on the sidewalk for “no reason”. And remember, when you are asked to leave, just leave. Arguing will get you put in an uncomfortable position in a hurry, just be smart and move along.

Pig Fucker

I have never understood why people insist on being complete jerks and consistently behave in a negative fashion, when they are always disappointed in how they are treated because of their actions. Take for example the young woman last night. All I saw was her, treating her friends like she was the queen and they were there to do her bidding. It’s not uncommon, but when I approached her about not being able to take her drink outside she was a total pig fucker over the whole ordeal.

Crotch Fleas

If I learned one thing last night, it is to not park in the bank parking lot before seven o’clock PM or you will get your car towed. Even though the bank is closed and there is nobody left working there at that time the towing company apparently can come in and tow away your car. What a bunch of assholes, yes, I mean both the bank and the towing company. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that during business hours those parking spaces should be available to bank customers exclusively.