December 2012


Well, my last shift of the year was a good one. No major catastrophes, lots of good people and only a couple of snags. My favorite snafu of the night was this young white trash girl that got pissed at her boyfriend and proceeded to stomp around the bar throwing a hissy fit and then walked up to the bar and knocked someone’s cell phone onto the floor. Well, it was the end of the night and I was tired so I unloaded both barrels on her, in a calm manner of course.

Night Of The Living Furniture

I think our furniture at the bar has had enough of the constant abuse thrown at it and is starting to fight back. There were two separate instances involving a chair, two tables and a candle that were obvious attacks on innocent customers that I am sure had nothing to do with them being drunk or negligent at all. First there was a girl that was sitting on a table, and the table just slid out from under her, dumping her and her friend’s drinks right on the floor breaking four glasses.

Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?

Last night while I was in taking a piss, I heard something quite strange. I had gone into the stall to relieve myself and while doing so I heard someone come into the bathroom to use the urinal. As he is peeing he started to make some sounds, not normal peeing sounds, rather more like sounds you would make while trying to take a crap and not a comfortable crap but more of a forced bound up kind of crap.

Dude! Sweet!

There was a movie that I recall from some years ago that I never wanted to watch it because it looked so ridiculous that I, even with my penchant for low-brow bathroom humor, would not be able to subject myself to an hour or more of it, but now wish I had just for the frame of reference standpoint. “Dude, Where's My Car?” was that movie, and last night we had a guy that had indeed lost his car, but his misadventure didn’t seem nearly as fun as the guys in the movie had, and he didn’t end up sleeping with Demi Moore after the whole affair was over, yet he was still fucked.

Move Along People, Nothing To See Here

You ever watch the old John Hughes films from back in the day where the socially awkward person goes through some sort of rite of passage and has to deal with all the cool rich asshole kids to finally realize their dream? And did you ever wonder what happened to those cool rich asshole kids? I don’t, at least not anymore. They showed up at work last night after a Christmas party and were drunk as hell, demanding, trying to start problems with other people, trying to make out with strangers and falling asleep in the bar.

Boring Fortune

While at work last night I thought I’d take advantage of some slow time to eat dinner. I thumbed through our menu that is full of good hearty dishes, but nothing really jumped out at me, that’s when it struck me that I am surrounded by a lot of different restaurants just steps away, so I decided to venture out to get some phad thai. Well, the food was good and a nice change however, when I got to the fortune cookie I was a bit disappointed. It said “You will be reunited with old friends before the month is out.” Well, can we be a bit vaguer or less exciting?


Night of the living Hellbillies, yes, hillbillies from hell decided to descend upon my bar last night. I can deal with the loudness and the yucking it up, I grew up in Prineville for fuck sakes, that’s all normal behavior for where I grew up from sober people. However, when the yeehawing and the glass breaking starts to ramp up, it’s time for you to move on. Also, the chew stained teeth kind of gives away the fact that you are kind of backwards, seriously, do you think you can pick up a chick with a grill like that? And wrestling in the bar with your bros?

A Man Of Contradictions

Last night I got to do something very mean and very nice at the same time. Impossible you say? Well, this is what went down. When I arrived at work last night my co-worker was in a particularly bad mood, which happens to everyone from time to time, so I took it upon myself to try to cheer her up because it’s what I do. So I tried talking to her and reasoning out the issue (which had nothing to do with me I might add) but the funk just hung on. That is until the phone rang and I answered it.

Hippy Convert?

A guy walked in last night with long dreadlocks, wearing gold necklaces and a long leather jacket. As I stood there puzzling over what to make of the guy’s fashion choice, (I didn’t really care, but leather and dreads?) one of my customers looks and me and asks why the troubled look. I pointed out the guy as he was walking by and the customer just looked at me and said very simply “Matrix Shit Wigger.” then went back to his previous conversation. It bothered me for a second that the Matrix thing hadn’t even crossed my mind, but then I was feeling a bit under the weather.

Enjoy Your Drink Jerk

Don’t whistle at me to get my attention, not for any reason, I am not your dog. If you want a drink, wait your turn like everyone else. There is kind of an unwritten social contract when you are in public not to force yourself to the front of the line for your own personal gains while making others wait for something that they have already been waiting for patiently, I’m not saying happily, just patiently.