September 2012

There's Slow, And Then There's Slow

Slow season has arrived, this is a yearly occurrence around here for us folks in the restaurant biz, but oddly enough, there is always a character or two lurking about. Last night there was the hookup artist slithering around the bar, looking for a good time, the problem is, when you are that drunk you are not smooth enough to convince anyone but your right had to go home with you, and chances are this guy was too drunk to coerce anything but a snuggle and a shake out of that deal.


“Are you serious?” This has to be one of the most heard, and least favorite quotes I get from people on a regular basis. Whether it’s “I’m sorry, we don’t have Coors in a bottle.” Or “I am not going to be able to serve you anything, have a good night.” The question that always comes back to me is the seriousness of my response to their needs, or requests. What I really want to say is “No, you’re right, I’m totally fucking with you right now, let me get you that beer that we don’t carry even though you’re so drunk you are about to pass out and piss yourself.


Well folks, it’s Oktoberfest time again, and you know what that means? Puke-toberfest! Oh yes, the streets were packed with drunken celebrators of the time honored tradition of drinking beer and eating copious amounts of food. Why do people do this? Because apparently drinking over-priced beer and Americanized German dishes is how you celebrate the harvest time around here. Harvesting what you might ask? Well, it certainly isn’t brain cells, but if I had to guess it would be money, or at least they are trying to with the prices they are charging.

Peach Fuzz And The Art Of Hipstering

I had, what I can only explain as a near-hipster sighting or hipster wannabe, if you will. I don’t think I have ever seen someone fall so desperately short of being something that is, in my opinion, the easiest category to fall ass backwards into. Let me see, to be classified as a hipster all you have to do is wear thrift store clothing, act smarter than everyone, be too cool for anything and have an ironic mustache.

Saggy, Wrinkely And The Snowball Effect

“Get your sweaty old man balls away from my friend.” This sentence is what was said during an end of the night conversation that started innocently enough on a completely different subject, I might add, that just went downhill even faster from that point. From here, I believe the discussion branched off to do balls get more or less wrinkly as you get older, due to ball sag and such. Then it ricocheted off onto the subject of old lady boob sag and even went faster down a steeper grade at that point that I dare not post here, due to the graphic nature of the subjects discussed.

Notably Stupid

Note writing is a very handy way to keep track of things. Notes about appointments, grocery lists and what to pack for vacation are very important to some people to simplify what needs to be done. Other kinds of notes, on the other hand are for fun, like leaving a joke somewhere for someone to find, a sweet reminder to let someone you know you are thinking about them or kids passing notes in class

Take The High Road

Much like a rolling stone gathers no moss, a babbling stoner gathers no women apparently, at least that’s what I gathered from the display last night. This poor guy was hitting on anything that moved, but to no avail. It turns out that women aren’t attracted to dudes that are drunk and stoned going around the bar getting shut down by all the other girls in the bar. Weird. Anyway, after King Smooth gets shut down about a half dozen times or so, and his buddies are obviously hooking up, he gets pissed, throws a fit and storms off.

Cheeseburgers And Cheesy Don't Mix

Watching people make jackasses out of themselves can be either embarrassing or entertaining, and on some occasions both. Last night, this poor guy that had been putting down a few cocktails and came in for some food, thought it might be a good idea to interrupt a couple of nice ladies sitting at the bar engaged in a serious conversation. For one, this is a bad idea drunk or sober, I even tip-toe around these situations just trying to serve drinks. Secondly, when they are married and way out of your league just keep to yourself, maybe admiring from afar, but not so much as to be creepy.

Life Lessons

I love having our older generation around, if for anything else the stories, experiences and the things we can learn from them. Last night I learned a valuable lesson from one of my elders, I would like to say she was a sweet little old lady that reminded me of my grandmother, but then I’d be a liar. No, this old lady was far from sweet, I would say salty, but that would not be doing her justice, she was simply a mean old foulmouthed person and kind of creepy to boot.

You're Never Alone

When you’re state of sobriety is questionable and you get lucky enough to get a drink, don’t push it over the edge and have it all come crashing down around you however quiet that crash may be. Last night a loudmouth that was already on my last nerve asks for another drink to go along with the one he barely got. After I told him he’d need to finish that one before I could serve him another one, he waited for me to walk away and started talking shit to his friend about me.