August 2012

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

When a drunk girl wearing a trucker had backward looks at you after checking herself out in the mirror and asks “Does this hat make me look cool or kind of retarded?” that opens way too many doors. That is like the “Do these pants make me look fat?” question. Firstly, the hat does not make you look cool, it is impossible for any fashion accessory to make what you have going on there look cool. Secondly, the retarded thing was going on without the hat, thanks to the stumbling, slurring and goofy drunk look on your face.

Stoner Squabble

Stoners, typically a very easy going people, can in fact get whipped up into a frenzy of mild excitement apparently, when faced with the daunting task of a social confrontation. I would call it a fight, but no punches were thrown, there were some loud voices and a little pushing however, and to the untrained eye, it seemed like a real fight might just happen.

You Get What You Pay For

Investments come in different sizes with different levels of importance depending upon the cost and potential outcome of the investment. That being said, you may not want to bank not getting pregnant on a fifty cent condom from the bathroom at your local watering hole. Yes, it is a wonderful price for something that is supposed to keep you from getting pregnant and help avoid a possible STD, but do you really want to take that gamble?

Don't Piss On My Door And Tell Me It's Raining

Last night, a guy pissed on the front of the bar, in the entryway, right next to the front door while we were open. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with the front of my establishment, it is all windows, so everyone got a peek at this guys goods, poor little fellow. That notwithstanding, he was so wasted, he didn’t even realize he walked right passed the doorway of a business that was not open and unoccupied, so when we went out to confront him he was completely caught off guard.

The Case Of The Missing Captain

Last night was a good night. For the most part it was steady business with no real issues to deal with, unless you consider running out of ranch dressing a fiasco. But as it can be any night I did get an interesting twist on things when my cleanup guy brought me a bag of goodies that he had found. I looked inside the standard issue restaurant to-go bag and to my surprise, there was not only the usual Styrofoam container, but some hot sauce (four bottles), salt and pepper shakers and a bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spice Rum with a pour spout sticking out of it.

Ass-Vomit

Warning! This post is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach, in fact it is downright disgusting. Last night one of my customers pointed out one of the most wretched sights I have seen in a long time. Now, the vomit all over the bathroom was nasty and the poop on the floor was gross (albeit curiously gross) but this was like a cross between both in an even more horrible way. Someone left the seat up and shit all over the back of the toilet in a kind of duck shit diarrhea-vomit combination.

Just Plain Dumb

If, by chance, you should feel the need to bring your own beer into an establishment in an attempt to avoid buying beer while still getting to enjoy a frosty beverage, at least do your research and find out what they serve. If you do, let me give everyone a heads up, nobody serves PBR in a twelve ounce can in downtown Bend.

Is That A Stick Up Your Butt?

It was kind of slow for a Friday night at the bar and some friends and I were discussing how easy it is to get sucked in to watching almost any event in the Olympics. Seriously, what other time would you watch things like badminton, synchronized swimming or the ribbon exercise? The one that really got us talking, and laughing, was the speed walking competition. Walking? Really? The sad thing was that the USA didn’t even place in that event, we couldn’t even get someone to walk good enough to medal, or even contend?

Narc Or Nimrod? You Make The Call

If indeed you were given a bunch of marijuana to pay you back for a sketchy loan you gave someone, would you try to get advice on where to unload it from a bartender that you don’t know? OR…. If you were a cop trying to get someone to buy a large amount of marijuana, would you try to lure in a bartender that has seen way too much shady crap while you were dressed like two fat white golfers? Hard to say, but either way, these guys were dumb! I believe one of the guys said “I guess $1200 a pound is a pretty good deal.” Really? By the way fuck off, you guys suck.

Barforama

I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone come up to me and say “Somebody puked all over the bathroom!” Usually, I go into the bathroom and there is a little bit of mess that is easy to deal with, no problem, just a little over exaggeration from the customer, but that’s ok because it brings it to my attention and get’s dealt with. Last night however is the actual first time that there was actually puke all over the bathroom. I’m not kidding, the vomit went from the inside of the bathroom door, to the urinal and then all the way back to the toilet and all over the toilet.

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