May 2012

Holly Smokes!

If you are hanging out at my bar, have some dank weed and feel the need to smoke it out in the alley, be warned, that is the direction that the wind blows in from so everyone in the bar including me, can smell the party outside, which means that I have to go out and say something, sort of a disclaimer if you will. Now, I haven’t smoked out for quite a few years now, but I honestly don’t care who does, as long as you’re not one of my kids. Just keep in mind, at work I do have certain responsibilities to protect the liability of the bar and to keep up appearances.

Yay For The Memorial Holidaze!

It is amazing to me that I have been extremely busy at work over the past three days and the only real problem that we had was a crazy bum lady that didn’t want to leave, and that wasn’t even a real issue. No fights, nobody passing out, no one puking on the floor or anything like that, only people getting a bit dazed and enjoying the weekend and some good music. So I would just like to thank everyone for holding it together over this holiday weekend and making life just a little easier on us in the bar.

Creepy Jerk Face

When someone tries to buy somebody else a drink at the bar it can mean several things, including, but not limited to, a way to say thank you to someone, an apology to someone for a misunderstanding, but more than likely at twelve thirty in the morning it is the classic pickup move. Undoubtedly one of the cheesiest ways to try and hit on someone at the bar, sometimes it is successful and sometimes you get shot down in flames like an old World War Two bi-plane and go smashing into the ground.

Cheap Ass Titty Tucker

Don’t you just love it when people scrutinize your work? I would love to have an intelligent conversation about the prices of our drinks some time, but even if you were sober I don’t think the conversation would be all that stimulating. Here’s an idea, if you don’t want to, or can’t afford the prices of our beverages, go buy something from the liquor store and stay at home.

Posers Suck

Keeping in mind, I grew up in a small town with some very colorful characters, everyone from ranchers and farmers to loggers and millworkers, so I am pretty good at smelling a bull shitter when I see one. When you are all dressed up to play cowboy and your hat is clean, your jeans are new and your boots aren’t even scuffed, that is a good indicator that you are, in fact, not a rodeo cowboy, but when your hands are not cracked or scarred in any way and your fingernails are manicured you are full of shit.

Dear Young Einstein,

I hate twenty-one year old know it all’s. Seriously, I was legal to drink before you were born, I think I should know how to control my allergies, what makes beer taste the way it does and for fuck sakes, if my drinks aren’t strong enough for you, you need help. No, curry will not help my allergies, hops, barley and malt make my beer taste good, (mostly malt for me) and if your girlfriend wasn’t so homely, maybe you wouldn’t need such strong drinks.

To Booze Or Not To Booze

It is a well known fact that some people simply should not drink. I’m not sure if it’s a chemical imbalance or a personality flaw, but that’s just how it is, some people figure it out at a young age and some people never figure it out. When you are nearing retirement age, you should have figured out if you should continue drinking or simply give it up. There were two groups in last night that clearly should have written off the bottle years ago, but just haven’t figured it out yet and the result of that meeting almost resulted in an old man fight.

Back To School

If you are attending college here are a few ideas to help you look like less of an asshole and more like a human being when you go out to the bar. First, don’t announce to the whole bar that you are a college student, yelling what school you go to is not as important to everyone else at the bar as it is to you. Second, if you are yelling like a madman at the bartender to turn up the music and he says no, don’t try to yell louder to try and get your way, you won’t get the music turned up to a ridiculous level no matter how loud you are and you might just get your drink pulled.

Captain Dipshit Saves The Day

So, last night definitely had a lull in business, about a four hour lull where we were fortunate enough to have time to chat with the few customers that we did have. I was just taking an order for a couple of young ladies when in walks, what I can only explain as Captain Dipshit and his stumpy sidekick Lumpy. The Captain was wearing a white Marines ball cap backward, Mardi Gras beads, a tie dye shirt and sagging his jeans, while Lumpy was wearing a fedora, white button up shirt, khaki chinos, a gold chain and a big silver stud right under the middle of his lip.

I'm In A Taco State Of Mind

So I show up to work last night after a good Mother’s Day with great weather and a positive attitude and walk into drunken nincompoopery. A group of day drinkers were sitting there being obnoxious ass hats, while yet another couple were well on their way to being a pain in the ass. That’s when my mood started to turn sour as I felt the creeping tension in the shoulders and tightening of the jaw associated with being pre-annoyed, which is usually followed by annoyed, which is the pre-curser to extremely pissed off by people being nothing more than being people.