April 2012

Smooth It Over Baby

When I have to start a sentence “Look, I’m going to be completely honest with you” that can only mean I am going to say something that you might not want to hear. Fortunately, it usually works out for the best in the long run, for me that is, and the fact that people generally have a better response to you when you are frank with them. Last night’s honesty talk was “Look man, I’m going to be completely honest with you, you are filthy and you smell bad, I understand you are a hard working guy, but they do make soap and it’s not that hard to clean up before you go out.

Short People Got No Reason......

When you are all of five foot nothing and weigh about one hundred and twenty pounds you should drop the scowling gangster-wanna-be attitude, put your ten-gallon trucker hat on straight and pull up your pants. You look ridiculous. Then, when you pull out your ID to pay for a drink after shuffling through all of your credit cards and we take the drink away, don’t get all puffed up like you are going to be some badass or something.

Say Cheese!

If you are in your fifties, have a haircut from the seventies, and are hanging out with other singles of the same sex, you had better be well aware of what you let other people hear you talk about or you will surely die alone. Take for example the two fine specimens that showed up last night drinking whiskey and talking about all the wrong things to try to attract women. All I heard them talk about was Bigfoot experiences, UFO sightings and alien abductions.

Great Expectations

Why is it that the phrase “Oh shit, not again!” is the first thing that pops into my head when two drunk old women stumble into the bar? Could it be that it happens too often? Possibly. Could it be that they babble on incessantly about nothing while trying to talk to me about what they want? Likely. Could it more than likely be that I will have to refuse them service, get cussed out and told that they know the owner and will never come back? Yes, that is the most annoying part of it all.

If You Say "Gullible" It Sounds Like "Oranges"

Listening in or observing a conversation never gets boring in my line of work, and the gullibility of some people never ceases to amaze me. Take for example my two subjects last night, as I was making a Bloody Mary, one of the guys asks me if I use Worcestershire in making the drink. I told him that I did indeed and that it was a key ingredient in how I make a Bloody Mary. After he asked how to properly pronounce it, I explained that it is pronounced wuus-ter-sher. That’s when things got interesting.

Dumbass Of The Day

As you know, I always look for something interesting, funny or completely absurd to write about at work every night, last night however I didn’t expect to find it within fifteen minutes of showing up to work. I came in early and it started out slow, not unusual for a Saturday, and I noticed a credit card that had been left behind by a customer hanging on the wall behind the register, also not unusual. The guy whose card it was showed up, signed his slip and went on his way.

Do The Hippie Hippie Stank

Hippies, free spirited, positive outlook having, unrealistic dream chasing, dirty, smelly obnoxious hippies, thank you all for showing up last night. Now, just to make it clear, hippies and hippie types drive me crazy on a typical day. Being all self righteous about saving the planet, which I think they all thought up as a distraction to divert everyone’s attention away from the fact that they are lazy and smelly (did I mention smelly?) and play way too much hacky sack instead of doing laundry or getting a “real job”.

Beat Down Clown

It has been said that a closed mouth gathers no foot, well then the girl that was in last night should never have to worry about her toes getting cold. Why is it that if you hear a loud obnoxious female in the room above the rest of the crowd, all you have to do is look for the one wearing clown makeup and a circus tent with bad hair? Ninety nine percent of the time, it’s that one, the attention seeking person saying "Look at me! Look at Me!" We don't want to look at you! Have you seen you? The worst part is, you know you can’t punch her in the face, she’d just get louder.

Believe It!

Last night I was fumbling through a slow Monday night shift (my Monday night) and got a great compliment. The guy said “It’s nice to have a bartender that is actually interested in talking to the customers for a change instead of being on their phone, talking or texting, acting like they are too busy to help you.” Well, that made my day. The fact that I do set aside my personal time at work helps me focus on my customers, allowing me to have more fun interacting with them. So, thanks for noticing. Oh yeah, I also heard ducks can have up to a fourteen inch penis.

Toupee Or Not Toupee, That Is The Question

Toupee or not toupee, that is the question. Ok, not really, NEVER a toupee, for fuck sake, whoever is that vane should be held by the hand a lead out of the eighties. Lucky for this guy, he’s a doctor of some sort, and when you are short, chubby and have no style whatsoever you need a hook like being a doctor to help with finding female companionship. When you are hitting on three cougars and two cougars in training and you still strike out, you need to consider going to the Dr. Evil look. Straight up bald trump’s a bad toupee any day man.