March 2012

Foolio, Livin' In A Wankster's Paradise

Hello there Mr. Cool! I’m sorry you stopped developing in the early ninety’s, but there have been some serious strides forward since then, if you had taken the time to notice, in fashion, facial hair and common courtesy. If you come up to me and treat me like I’m a dumb asshole to try to impress the ladies, you will be dealt with in an appropriate fashion.

Creepy Hillbillys

Finally back to work and it looked like the night was going to be a snoozer, some of the regulars and some surprise visitors from out of town who I had not seen in a while, no big deal. But to use a popular term as of recent, there was a sleeper cell lurking at the bar, who had ingeniously disguised themselves as a hillbilly couple.

Bar Travels

Sorry everyone, I did go on vacation, so I had no good stories from the bar to share with you. I did however visit a few establishments worthy of note in my travels. My favorite Mt. hood haunt by my buddy’s house, a Brewery in Astoria and a couple of places in Seaside. Now one of the places in Seaside I found to be particularly interesting. They only served beer, wine and energy-malt-liquor drinks, which should have been a dead giveaway, but I thought I’d cop a squat and get a bit more of the flavor of the place before I passed judgment.

Not Enough Beer To Erase The Memory

Ok, I’ll try to make this quick as I need to get some sleep before leaving on vacation for the next five days. A big bleach blonde girl wearing a short sweater dress and black nylons comes in with her friends. More friends show up and she gets a big hug and gets picked up by her strong man friend. The sweater dress slides up, exposing her legs and ass all the way up to her back. All I can think of to explain what I saw is that it looked like two beluga whales had gotten caught in a black net and were struggling to get out. EWWWW!

Playing Hard To Get

When someone comes right out and says “Ok look, I’ll make it easy on you, when you get off work just come over to my hotel, I haven’t been laid in four months.” you have a situation on your hands. Before I go on, let me paint you a picture. A woman just walked up to the bar wearing a low cut shirt with big tits, a cute skirt and had her hair up in pigtails and glasses, kind of a naughty librarian thing going on, along with about sixty extra pounds, a birthmark that took up half of her neck and a face that only a mother could love.

ALWAYS Check Out The Sweater!

I think it may have been because of the weather, or maybe it was the fact that it was my Monday that threw me off, I’m not sure but my creepy-crazy sense was way out of whack last night. It didn’t help that he was there right when I got to work and was ill prepared to deal with someone of that crazy a magnitude, but I guess I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. My first clue should have been the sweater. At first glance it just looked like any black and white sweater, but upon closer inspection it was a bit tattered and dirty, then on to the hands, dirty and unkempt.

Archive: Purple, The Color Of Funny

Ok, too many things today, but I'll hit on two of my favorites. As I was going to work, keeping in mind I haven't even walked in the door yet, when two women walk out of a very high-end restaurant, all decked out and dressed to the nines, that's when I notice one of them is walking sideways while the other one is holding her up. Drunkie looks up at me and smiles then, BAM! Purple teeth and lips, HELLOOO red wine! I'm just thinking "Thank God, not from my bar!" I got a good chuckle out of that to help get me in the mood for a full night's work.

Cougar Sighting! (And I Don't Mean The Car!)

“COUGAR: n/ (kooger): An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find a sexual high.”

St. Patrick's Day Shenanigans

With my brain fried and my body feeling a bit like I have run a marathon, a very annoying, long marathon chock full of road blocks, angry dogs and bad drivers, I will try to post something legible about the St Patricks day festivities from last evening. For starters, thanks to all my co-workers for all pulling together to make it a fun night, and thanks to everyone who showed up to have a good time celebrating, you all kicked ass.

Where's A Good Shillelagh When You Need One?

St. Patrick’s Day Eve was an interesting night to be sure. We put on some Pogues and Dropkicks and had ourselves one hell of a night, filled with food, fun and weirdness. Some of the highlights of the evening had to be the desperate woman that looked like a Samoan midget wrestler with tits, hitting on anything with a penis, including yours truly and failing miserably.