Until they make a device that alerts me to the presence of annoying assholes, one of the biggest parts of my job every day is to make sure that the people in the bar drinking are old enough to be there, usually by carding them. This is also a way to weed out potential problem people, like the person that is too drunk to find or pull out their identification, the homeless guy that is snooping around the bar trying to steal stuff from unsuspecting customers and that youngster that is almost old enough trying to make the rounds with their friends but still has a little time to go and can still get you a hefty fine. Most people gladly show you their I.D. with the understanding that this is a part of my job and it is no big deal, others make it seem an inconvenience but comply because they want a drink. Then there are the eye rollers. I swear I could hear this girl’s eyes roll back into her head last night, she was so annoyed. She jerks her wallet out of her jacket pocket, wrestles her I.D. out of it and throws it on the counter with a fierce look of annoyance. She looked young, but when I looked at the birth date, she had been twenty-one for less than a month. Seriously? Drop the attitude, you are not that important, in fact, I will be carding you every time I see you for the foreseeable future until you either start acting nicer or you just get over it and don’t come back. This is where that asshole detecting device would really come in handy.
Yes, the age old question “What would happen if an unstoppable force collided with the unmovable object?” The classic Omnipotence Paradox, something that could never happen because if something is truly unstoppable then there cannot be something truly unmovable in existence as well and vice versa. Well, fortunately for me I get the constant study of the Impotency Paradox, which would be the other classic “Completely stoppable force against the totally moveable object.” Two of my shining stars last night were great examples of this clash of the titans, or as I like to call it, drunk and bummy vs. uneducated drunk white trash. Mr. White Trash was trying to start a fight with Mr. Bum who was more than happy to oblige him, so I stepped in and stopped Mr. Trash then moved Mr. Bum out the door. Yes two impotent jerks, one easy solution. O.K. it might not qualify for a scientific study, but maybe someone will give me some grant money for it anyway. If people get paid to study how much methane is released into the atmosphere when a bee farts, why not my Impotency Paradox?
It has occurred to me last night that mellow nights with good customers are a greatly overlooked thing. I got to hang out and actually talk to some of my favorite people that I don’t get to when I’m deep in the weeds, and meet some new customers that were just in to have a drink. I do appreciate the slow nights, even though the money is not the best, it’s a good way to start the week, especially when you know that the crazy weekend is right around the corner. And can someone please explain the whole Jell-o shot phenomenon? It just seems kind of weird that a children’s snack made with booze instead of water is so popular. Oh well, another thing to add to the list of shit I don’t get. I think it would be a much shorter list if I just made one with things I do understand.
There is nothing more inspiring than getting to work, starting to get settled in for the shift and have a grown man interrupt your conversation with another customer by standing up off of his bar stool, leaning over the bar with his hand raised like a first grader yelling “I need a grilled cheese sandwich!” This is after listening to him and his cohorts talk about who they know in town loud enough for others to hear, hoping they understand how important they are in the community and belittling people that aren’t from here. I love entitled “I’ve lived here my whole life and this town is turning to shit” locals that act like children and disrespect people that work in local establishments because they think they’re special. After Timmy (we’ll call him Timmy) got his food and ate it like a child, getting it all over the counter, was cut off and cashed out, he came back about twenty minutes later, only to be turned away because of his previous behavior. He was none too happy, stating “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I haven’t even been in here today!” I’m sure he’ll be bitching about how his small town has changed to his friends at the next meeting of the minds. I’m not saying that changes are good or bad, but they do happen, and you don’t need to act like a dick about it, drunk ass.