There Are No Stupid Questions, Only Stupid People

Part of my job as a bartender is to try to give people what they want, like most service industry jobs, that is how you get repeat customers. Most of the time that is not a difficult task, you fill the glass up with the preferred adult beverage and voila! Now, there are those situations where someone isn’t sure about what they want so you do your best to steer them in the right direction by asking a few questions about their preferences. Then there are those people that think they know what they want but don’t actually have a clue because they have no idea about what they are talking about, kind of like trying to order a hamburger at a place that only sells cupcakes, much like the guy last night. He comes up to me and says “You know, I want a cocktail, but I don’t want it to be strong.” I proceed to tell him that our cocktails are poured pretty stiff as a general rule but I could accommodate his request. Then I asked him what he would like me to make him and he says “I think I’ll have a Manhattan.” Now, I took a second to gather the proper words, because I think a small part of my brain that is in charge of restraining the smart-ass comments from blasting this guy off of his barstool just short circuited. So, with as little sarcasm as possible, I asked “You do realize that a Manhattan has nothing but alcohol in it, don’t you?” (My eye may have just twitched a bit while I was asking that) To which he says “Oh yeah, well, it’s been a while since I’ve been out.” Seriously? That’s your best excuse? After having to bite my lip to keep myself from trying to explain why that statement made NO sense at all, I politely gave him a drink suggestion that might be a little more up his alley. Look guys, if you don’t know what you are ordering and are trying to look cool in front of a cute girl, stop, remember that you probably aren’t cool, and play it safe by ordering a beer. Also, you might just save an old bartender’s life by not triggering an aneurism.

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Lunatics

Why hello there full moon! How’s it going? I see you stirred things up again as usual, leaving it up to us bartenders and servers to help bring people down off the ledge and sent back on their way. Yeah, thanks for that. Honestly, it was a pretty mellow night, things were moving along just fine until the last half hour before closing. That’s when I was reminded of why the term “lunacy” exists. It is a derivative of the word Luna, which is moon, and the behavior associated with the affects the full moon has on people. I can tell you what the affect is on people when combined with alcohol, complete douchebaggery, that’s what. Do you feel the need to walk behind the bar? Go right ahead! Want to start a problem with a stranger? Why not! It’s almost a full moon! It’s like a get out of jail free card, except for the fact that there is no excuse for being a jackass and jail is real folks. Here’s an idea, let’s all try to behave like adults and recognize when the wheels are starting to come off the cart and stop to make sure the lug nuts are still attached.

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Bitch SNAFU

When you utter the phrase “It’s about time!” after I have served your drink on a busy Saturday night, you can expect to not be given another, especially when I apologized in advanced for you having to wait for your drink. If you are just naturally a bitch and just can’t help yourself, I expect that you get treated like this on a regular basis and just expect to be treated poorly when you go out. This would mean that your life falls under the old army acronym S.N.A.F.U. (Situation Normal All F*%#@& Up) which is sad to me. Anyone that thinks it is okay to be treated like crap because they prefer to treat others in the same fashion, rather than make the effort to be even the slightest bit nice, can go cram walnuts. The nice thing about the whole situation is, next time I will be on the offensive.

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Oh Tool, Thy Name Art Craftsman!

Ladies, when a guy comes up to you and says something like “What’s your name? I’m not trying to hit on you or anything, I just noticed you sitting here by yourself…..” they are hitting on you. Keep an eye on your drink and don’t leave the door open with your response to encourage further conversation, unless that is what you want. And guys, when you ask what someone’s name is, and your response is “That is the best name ever! I love that name!” you should expect a response like “You are a liar!” Also, it is a dead giveaway that you are indeed trying to hit on them, especially when they have seen you pulling the same smooth moves with two other people in the bar. Sir, you shall be known as Craftsman from this day forward because you are indeed a tool, just like the lady said.

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When the Apple Falls

When the apple fell on Newton’s head it inspired him to greatness, the law of gravity will forever be thought of, in its beginnings, as some guy in funny pants getting hit with an apple. Had I seen it with my own two eyes, I would have laughed until I made a wet spot in me nickers. I did, however get to see another kind of apple fall tonight, and it didn’t fall far from the tree, in fact, it may have been leaning against the trunk when all was said and done. This kid came in, a bit wobbly and cross eyed, and said “Hey, you know my mom Debbie!” As they said the name, the resemblance was unmistakable, that’s when all the bad memories associated with the aforementioned Debbie came rushing in from over the years, and the trademark crazy eye sent a shiver of bad bar memories running down my spine. I simply said “Yeah, I remember your mom.” They said “Can I put a drink on her tab?” I said “Nope, she isn’t allowed to have a tab here and I can’t serve you, Have a good night.” That’s when I got the disturbing thousand-yard stare, looking right through me, while at the same time trying to comprehend what had just taken place in the conversation not seconds before. So, I went about my business, helping other customers and trying to ignore the uncomfortable situation unfolding before me. After about five minutes, I finally returned to this kid with the same look on their face as when I left them, like someone who has been stuck in an infinite loop and can’t reason their way out of it. That’s when I said “Maybe it’s time to move on, have a good night!” and they left. While an apple a day may keep the doctor away, don’t eat the apple closest to the tree, it may have gone bad.

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