Not All Who Wander Are Lost, But Their Stuff Might Be

I understand that people go out, maybe have a few too many drinks and occasionally lose something throughout the night like their phone, maybe forget their card at a bar or even maybe lose a jacket. It happens, plain and simple, but with any luck you are able to retrace your steps and eventually recover your lost item without too much effort. Last night, within thirty minutes, I had a couple that lost everything. Not just a misplaced card or phone, oh no, without even moving ten feet they lost a phone, two wallets and a jacket! At least that’s what they kept asking me if I had found. They didn’t even seem drunk! I don’t know what kind of special these people were, but it was increasingly annoying every time they asked where their lost stuff was which was about twenty times in fifteen minutes, no joke. At any rate, I thought I had gotten rid of them by calling them a cab (at their request) but oh no, they didn’t take it, continuing to look for their stuff, not just at my bar but at the neighboring establishments as well and kept popping in to see if we had found anything. They finally gave up looking, found their stuff or died trying because they finally stopped coming in to check and see if we had it. All I have to say is natural selection. Obviously not thinking about the location of your jacket when it is five degrees outside is a clear sign that you are too stupid to survive in the real world. If you’re going to be dumb, you got to be tough!

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Of Poop And Douche Bags

• Last night was a story of poop and douche bags. I don’t think I had been at work for even an hour last night when someone was nice enough to come up to me and say “Hey, the bathroom is in pretty rough shape, you should check it out.” So, like an idiot I did. Yes, the soap dispenser was in four pieces and the toilet was backed up with about a roll of toilet paper and shit. Not just in the toilet but on the toilet as well. How, may I ask, do you not know where your butthole is pointing? Did you get your sphincter relocated to the middle of your butt cheek because of some horrible accident or were you just too wasted to take a proper shit? Also, the toilet paper thing, I’m not sure where to even start with that. At any rate, eww! And really!?! Yes, after some serious cleaning and cussing it was done and I was able to move on to the rest of the evening. After collecting myself I started thinking the night might be a total bust but I was wrong again. Luckily we got busy enough to keep the night interesting, including someone trying to use free beer coupons. Sorry buddy, we don’t take those or Monopoly money or chickens in trade for beer, just regular old currency will be just fine thank you, but the bathroom is clean just in case you need it.

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Leftovers Gone Bad

Unlike the tasty and satisfying leftovers of a glorious Thanksgiving day feast with all of the turkey stew, turkey and cranberry sandwiches and pumpkin pie breakfast for days on end, Halloween leftovers compare more to the questionable gluten-free fish and kale that has sat in the fridge for a week after a weak attempt at eating healthy. Yes, there was plenty of drunk people to cut off because they were wasted and telling them that “It’s nothing personal, you have obviously had some drinks and I want you to get home safely.” When I wanted to say “Fuck off you obnoxious ass, you are making me stabby so go away before something bad happens.” No, not really, but it does get a little old. At any rate, the costumes, much like myself, get a bit tired after the real Halloween and sometimes are just pathetic. Now, there are costumes for every body type, but when you wear a corset that is so tight you can’t lower your arms to your sides without considerable effort it is not sexy. Walking around the bar like the little kid on Christmas Story looking uncomfortable all night cannot be comfortable for you, just as it is not comfortable for others to have to watch. And guys, wearing a pair of shorts from middle school with your plumbs nearly falling out the sides have the same “Ewww!” factor. So to all of you post Halloween costume wearers out there, step up your game or just wait until next year and give it some effort. We will all suffer less, as will your parts that should be covered by a bathing suit.

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Halloweenies

Halloween is a time for festive costumes, drinking and having fun with your friends. Now, last night had some awesome costumes, like the ten foot Jesus, and plenty of merriment. No, I was not in the least disappointed, however there were those bah-humbuggers that just should have stayed home. Take for example the no costume wearing, not hanging out with anybody guy that passed out on the bar. Really? It’s Halloween man! At least checking out the naughty nurse or the robots should have kept his attention! Well, we got him on his way without issue and all was good with the world. The people that were bugging the shit out of me though were the impatient people waving their money at me from five people back in line. Seriously people, do you think I’m going to piss all these other patient folks off just because you have money in your hand? Yes, it always takes longer for them to get their drink for some reason, and that reason is because I am a spiteful jerk. At least that’s what they think, and I’m ok with that.

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Maybe Not Such A Delicate Petal

Well folks, wedding season is in full swing and along with that comes a plethora of wedding traditions. There are bachelor and bachelorette parties, bridal showers and then all of the superstitions associated with the bride in the wedding. One of the most well known is the tossing of the bouquet. As we all know, the lucky girl that catches the bouquet is supposed to be the next girl to get married of all the girls vying for the cherished airborne floral arrangement. If that is true and said girl happens to go out drinking after the reception and just happens to use the bouquet to stop the gushing flow of vomit from coming out of her mouth, thusly ruining said bouquet, is that a good or bad omen for her pending nuptials? All I could do was laugh as wave after wave of puke came out of this poor girl, leaking out of the stems of the bouquet at first, then flowing out onto her arms and the bar. Oh, and it didn’t stop there, when someone tried to help her into the bathroom and she tried to open the door with her head, she threw out one last bellyful of bile onto the door and on her shoes when her head failed to open the door. At least she bounced back after her bathroom adventure and was able to walk out on her own power. Unlike the bouquet, she was definitely no delicate pedal.

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