Go Home Apple Buddy

Here’s a helpful hint to anyone that gets cut off at a bar. GO HOME! Don’t lurk around hitting on girls, acting like a tough guy and forgetting that you got cut off multiple times, just go home. If you think that you are going to change my mind or try to intimidate me, you sir, are mistaken. And when you tell me you are a bartender at Applebee's and its okay like we’re friends or bros or something, you can take that assumption and shove it, very far, up into your lower colon with a big stick full of slivers. Have a sparkling day!

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Hard, Not Hard

In the immortal words of Neil Sedaka, “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” and that is a fact for the demise of some relationships. If your boyfriend has Erectile Dysfunction and is addicted to porn this could create some insurmountable obstacles for a future with this person, now add in that this person also has been cheating on you, that makes it seem like breaking up wouldn’t be all that difficult of a feat to accomplish. Kick that dud to the curb, go out, get extremely drunk and be done with that. The fact that everyone in the bar knows exactly how you feel about all this could be considered too much information, or TMI as the kids say these days. For future reference, you might want to keep this sort of venting down to a few close friends and a pointed letter to mister sad wiener, stating that you hope he has contracted some sort of STD from one of his indiscretions and you never liked his broke dick anyway. Falling off the barstool did seem to lighten the mood a bit though, so thank you for that.

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Bad Decision Thursday

Now, I have heard of people misplacing almost everything, from keys to credit cards and even an urn with a loved one inside. I do it myself from time to time, which is why it isn’t a surprise to me when someone else does. Life gets busy, things happen and stuff gets lost. Now, when someone can’t find their car in a four-block radius one of a couple of situations has happened. The two most common scenarios are either the person, or people, have parked in a tow away zone and need to contact the towing company that came and took their car away or they got drunk and are too wasted to recognize their own car. Now, when two older women of questionable sobriety came into the bar stating that they needed a break from looking for their lost car to have a drink and then go find the vehicle in question I had to ask myself, is this really a good idea? If you are too drunk to find your car in the first place, shouldn’t you just try to find it after sobering up? Just an idea folks. Of course, this could be why we call it bad decision Thursday.

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Make It A Double!

“Give me a whiskey and Coke and make it a double!” This is something that I hear every shift at least a handful of times. My usual response is something along the lines of “Actually, we don’t serve doubles but we do pour a stiff drink here, we like to give people what they pay for.” Most people’s reactions are positive when they get their drink and they don’t try to order another double. Last night I did have a guy that came in with a girl and ordered a double for each of them, I informed him that we don’t serve doubles and he got all huffy and said “What’s the deal with that? Why?” I said “Because we already make a stiff drink and a double wouldn’t fit in the glass, do you want a drink or not?” He backed down and said that he would like a drink please. What I wanted to say was “Why do you need a double? Is it a macho thing to impress your date or do you need to get wasted in a hurry so that this young lady will get tired of you acting like a drunken fool and you can go home alone?” Even though I do get a little salty with people sometimes I refrained from being an ass and just got their drinks, which they were happy with. Unless you are a gangster in the prohibition era, a cowboy in the old west or a stock broker on wall street on their lunch break, the double is only good for one thing, getting drunk in a hurry. If that is something you really need to do, go get a bottle of your favorite rot gut from the liquor store and pass out on the couch like the rest of us. Just don’t piss yourself, that is not a fun one to explain to anyone. “Hey, any idea why the couch smells like…..”

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Festival Faux Pas

Summertime is festival season here in Central Oregon, and with that comes the hordes of tourists that want to see what “small town” life in Oregon is really like. Apparently, life here consists of getting wobbly in the beer garden at “Whateverthedrunk” festival is going on that weekend, then expecting to get served at the local watering hole. Oops! As I was in the midst of getting my proverbial ass kicked last night, four people deep at the bar, I notice a guy half slumped over, sporting the thousand-yard stare. I left him alone for about ten minutes to not have to deal with cutting him off, hoping the issue would resolve itself and he would get the hint that he was not being served and just leave. Nope, he was determined to get a drink, or just forgot where he was and what he was doing, either way, he was taking up valuable real estate so I had to recognize his existence. I said “Hey! Sorry man but I can’t serve you, you look like you’ve had fun today so I’m going to have to say goodnight, nothing personal, have a good night.” Then he looks up and says “What? No, I’ve been sitting here for forty-five minutes, you haven’t even given me a drink! I’m fine!” I just looked at him and said “No, you haven’t been served because you’re already drunk, on top of that, you haven’t been here for forty-five minutes. If you had been sitting here for that long waiting for a drink then you are either drunk or an idiot. I don’t have time to argue with you, go away.” He started to say something and the guy next to him says “Do you really want to piss that guy off? He’s a nice guy, you should probably just go.” (I bought that guy a beer) I guess my point is, just because you are not at home, treat the people and establishments that you go to on vacation like they are your regular places where you live. Would you give your local bartender a hard time because they are doing their job? If the answer is yes, then you are probably just a jerk anyway.

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