“Rules are meant to be broken!” Yes this is something that we have all heard at one point or another and sometimes this rings true, especially around freedom day, while everyone is in the spirit of exercising their freedoms. However, sometimes those rules are good to have in place. Take for example, the restaurant and bar business. If washing your hands after using the bathroom was not a rule or making sure food was handled properly or stored at the proper temperature was something that was ignored it would not only be gross but also it would be a health risk. This is just a preface for a conversation that I had with a would-be customer last night. I went out in front of the bar to check on the level of foot traffic roaming around downtown last night when this guy that looked homeless walked up to me and asked “Hey man, are you guys still open?” I noticed he wasn’t wearing any shoes and said “Yeah, we’re still open, but you’re going to have to put on some shoes before you come in man.” He kind of gave a sigh and said “Oh, yeah.” Then he got this thoughtful look in his face and said “What if not wearing shoes is part of my religious beliefs? Like I am against wearing shoes because I believe it’s harmful to the earth or something and it’s my religion? Don’t you have to let me in then?” I simply told him that unfortunately it’s against the state health code to allow people into the restaurant without shoes and it’s also a liability to us as there could be broken glass or other things on the floor that could cut people’s feet that are not protected by shoes. He looked at me kind of confused and then piped up with the retort “Look man, I don’t believe in laws man! I don’t wear shoes and you shouldn’t either!” Then he looked down at my Dr. Marten’s creepers and his eyes kind of bugged out and said “Ok, you can wear shoes man, those things are awesome! Never mind! Rock on dude!” What’s the score? Dr. Marten’s-1, made up crazy guy religion-0.
What was my favorite question of the night you might ask? “Hey dude, what kind of discount will you give me if I order twelve drinks?” It a busy Friday night and he interrupted me in the middle of helping another customer so my response (after I told him to wait his turn) was “Hmmm, let me think, I’d have to say none. What can I get you?” He looked at me kind of confused and said “Coors Light please.” Really? You’re only going to be a big shot if you get a discount? You sir are an ass, and a cheap one at that.
At some point in the night while drinking, the cognitive thinking process starts to break down. For example, when you ask for a “Bud Light draft” and the bartender says “I’m sorry, I only have that in a bottle” the proper responses that would be acceptable should be one of the following.
1. “Do you have Bud on draft?”
2. “What else do you have on draft?”
The unacceptable response from the sober, albeit socially awkward, customer that I got (with a very confused look I might add) was “Well, can I get that in a sixteen ounce?” Thankfully for this guy I was in a good mood, also, I knew my quick response of “What part about ONLY bottles did you not understand?” would have been lost on this guy, so I calmly said “The bottles are twelve ounces, if that works for you?” He looked at me, still befuddled, and before he could respond his friend pipes in and says “Perfect!” Thank God that guy read the Idiot’s Guide to Ordering a Drink at a Bar, after all, you can only put up with so much crap on your Friday night.
One way to be very unimpressive and seem slightly racist and sexist at the same time is to come up to the bar and say (not being sarcastic I might add) “Wow, you’re not even close to as hot as the Asian chick with the hot ass that was working earlier!” Yes asshole, thanks for not thinking I have a hot ass, and judging by the wedding ring on your finger, your wife wouldn’t be too stoked on your statement either. As I was making his drink, one of my customers sitting next to him pointed out that he was in a locals bar and might want to be a little more discerning about how he spoke about the people that worked there and be a little more respectful. When I came back with his drink he was apologizing all over the place. I told him we were fine and to enjoy his drink, he’s not the only douche bag I’ve ever served after all. The straw that broke the camel’s back though was when he was asking people if they had anything that would help “wake him up”. That’s when I knew he was done for the night. Sorry pal, now you’re pissing everyone off, go away, preferably back to North Carolina.
This day is a special day, so instead of telling you all about the guy that sprayed crap all over the men’s bathroom toilet (yes, literally all over the toilet) the tweaker chick that I chewed out for being an irrational psycho (imagine that!) or the three people that destroyed the two bathrooms in the bar with vomit, I thought I’d send out a positive message to everyone today. Thanks to all the moms that didn’t do all that bad stuff I told you about from last night! Seriously though, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you awesome women out there that gave all of us a place on this earth, so that we can be the pain in your ass and the twinkle in your eye, all within the same breath. We love you mom!