They say judgment is one of the first things compromised when you start drinking, and the young man in the bathroom last night was a perfect example of just such judgment loss, either that or he was just an idiot. As I stood at the urinal last night in a crowded bathroom (keeping in mind the bathroom is about eight feet by eight feet and five people make it crowded) a young man in the stall behind me says “Hey, did anyone lose a pack of smokes?” He then picked up the cigarettes off the floor and said “It’s a pretty full pack! Does anybody want them?” Really man? Who wants a pack of bathroom floor smokes? Yes apparently that guy did when he said “Oh well, no takers? I guess they’re mine!” It gets better, as I am washing my hands he says from the stall “Who left a beer in here? That’s weird!” as I hear him pick it up off of the tank off of the back of the toilet. I said “Are you sure that’s beer? Just because it’s yellow doesn’t mean it’s beer, you might want to put that down.” He immediately responds “Gross! That smells like piss! Who would do that?” Ok, who would pick up a beer off of the back of a toilet and smell it? Or even pick it up at all? There are rules about public bathrooms, unwritten rules that we should all follow, like don’t pick up anything off of anything unless you put it there. Not the floor, not the toilet, and you should definitely not smell anything off of the floor or toilet! The only thing you should be able to smell in a public bathroom is bad air “fresheners”, urinal cakes and the shame leftover by past patrons. I sincerely hope that anyone as stupid as this guy is just drunk and not normally like this, otherwise I don’t believe there is any way he could have lived long enough to go out drinking in a bar. Oh, and by the way, the three guys that left the bathroom before me failed to wash their hands before exiting the bathroom. And people wonder why we don’t have bowls of pretzels or peanuts on the bar.
Imagine this if you will, the lights are turned up in a nearly empty bar, all the chairs are up on the tables and there are about five people sitting around finishing their drinks getting ready to leave. This is a very peaceful ending to a fairly busy night. Then, the door opens and two sweaty hefty guys walk in and the first thing that comes out of their mouths is “Wow, we made it on time!” Now, the first thought that goes through my head is “In time for what?” We are obviously closing, so what are you in time for? I look at one of the guys and noticed they were obviously drunk and said “Sorry guys, we’re done serving.” They instantly start whining, of course, because it’s “only” one thirty and they need a drink. Now, anyone that has kids can imagine how annoying this scenario went down. “Why are you closed? Come on! I just want one drink! Why can’t I have a drink?” was repeated about twenty times. Well, my response to all of these statements and questions was “Because we are closing and we are done serving.” That is until I finally got fed up with their bullshit and said “Because I said so! Now go away! You are not getting anything!” Then the response changed to “Well, where can we get a drink then?” So I directed them to the bar that I know is open the latest and ignored them. Those two rolley-polley drunks finally wobbled off in search of more booze and , more importantly, shut the hell up. So today I give thanks, not just for them leaving, but for me showing enough restraint not to lose my voice yelling at them like misbehaved eight year olds. Grownups? I’ll show you a grownup!
I understand that people go out, maybe have a few too many drinks and occasionally lose something throughout the night like their phone, maybe forget their card at a bar or even maybe lose a jacket. It happens, plain and simple, but with any luck you are able to retrace your steps and eventually recover your lost item without too much effort. Last night, within thirty minutes, I had a couple that lost everything. Not just a misplaced card or phone, oh no, without even moving ten feet they lost a phone, two wallets and a jacket! At least that’s what they kept asking me if I had found. They didn’t even seem drunk! I don’t know what kind of special these people were, but it was increasingly annoying every time they asked where their lost stuff was which was about twenty times in fifteen minutes, no joke. At any rate, I thought I had gotten rid of them by calling them a cab (at their request) but oh no, they didn’t take it, continuing to look for their stuff, not just at my bar but at the neighboring establishments as well and kept popping in to see if we had found anything. They finally gave up looking, found their stuff or died trying because they finally stopped coming in to check and see if we had it. All I have to say is natural selection. Obviously not thinking about the location of your jacket when it is five degrees outside is a clear sign that you are too stupid to survive in the real world. If you’re going to be dumb, you got to be tough!
• Last night was a story of poop and douche bags. I don’t think I had been at work for even an hour last night when someone was nice enough to come up to me and say “Hey, the bathroom is in pretty rough shape, you should check it out.” So, like an idiot I did. Yes, the soap dispenser was in four pieces and the toilet was backed up with about a roll of toilet paper and shit. Not just in the toilet but on the toilet as well. How, may I ask, do you not know where your butthole is pointing? Did you get your sphincter relocated to the middle of your butt cheek because of some horrible accident or were you just too wasted to take a proper shit? Also, the toilet paper thing, I’m not sure where to even start with that. At any rate, eww! And really!?! Yes, after some serious cleaning and cussing it was done and I was able to move on to the rest of the evening. After collecting myself I started thinking the night might be a total bust but I was wrong again. Luckily we got busy enough to keep the night interesting, including someone trying to use free beer coupons. Sorry buddy, we don’t take those or Monopoly money or chickens in trade for beer, just regular old currency will be just fine thank you, but the bathroom is clean just in case you need it.
Unlike the tasty and satisfying leftovers of a glorious Thanksgiving day feast with all of the turkey stew, turkey and cranberry sandwiches and pumpkin pie breakfast for days on end, Halloween leftovers compare more to the questionable gluten-free fish and kale that has sat in the fridge for a week after a weak attempt at eating healthy. Yes, there was plenty of drunk people to cut off because they were wasted and telling them that “It’s nothing personal, you have obviously had some drinks and I want you to get home safely.” When I wanted to say “Fuck off you obnoxious ass, you are making me stabby so go away before something bad happens.” No, not really, but it does get a little old. At any rate, the costumes, much like myself, get a bit tired after the real Halloween and sometimes are just pathetic. Now, there are costumes for every body type, but when you wear a corset that is so tight you can’t lower your arms to your sides without considerable effort it is not sexy. Walking around the bar like the little kid on Christmas Story looking uncomfortable all night cannot be comfortable for you, just as it is not comfortable for others to have to watch. And guys, wearing a pair of shorts from middle school with your plumbs nearly falling out the sides have the same “Ewww!” factor. So to all of you post Halloween costume wearers out there, step up your game or just wait until next year and give it some effort. We will all suffer less, as will your parts that should be covered by a bathing suit.